Better

I'm feeling better today. My head is much less stuffy and things seem to be moving to my chest, which is FINE. WITH. ME. I'd much rather have a cough than feel like my head is about to pop off at any moment. I'm still blowing snot everywhere and slightly lightheaded, but it's not nearly as bad as it was yesterday. Ethan's nose is running like mad, but his cough is sounding better and I no longer wince every time I hear it. Poor baby. Poor baby! Speaking of baby, Ethan turned 11 months on Monday. Which means that in less than 1 month he will be 1 year old. And that's all I have to say about that.

The job market is looking pretty good here. There are a ton of jobs in Baton Rouge that I'm looking into and will likely begin applying and submitting my resume in the next few weeks. I know most companies don't do a whole lot of hiring this time of year, and that's just as well. I'll get really serious in January when I'm armed with brand new work clothes (yay!) and Ethan is almost weaned. I'm really getting excited! I'll have to look back at this post when I'm sitting in my office on a Friday afternoon watching the clock tick. (I was excited about this? Gawd, I'd give anything to be home with E right now...) (Who knows? Maybe that won't happen. Gah, again with the negativity! Sheesh!)

I took my 4-week pics last night and am currently trying to figure out how to put them side by side with my before pics. When I took my before pics I remember looking at them and thinking hey, that's not so bad. Better than I expected! and then last night when I looked at my 4-week pics I thought to myself gah, I'm hideous! Ick! Ack! Spit! There is no difference! Waaa!, so again with the 4-week freakout. Upon closer inspection there is noticeable difference in my whole body, specifically from the hips up. D calmed me down and told me that he can see some major changes in my body, that I'm looking great and all those nice things that husbands are pretty much required to say, and it did make me feel better. He compliments me all the time but I guess I don't really hear him, I always think he's just trying to get some ass. I've always had a hard time accepting (and acknowledging!) compliments and perhaps that's something I need to work on. ANYWAY! I am more motivated than EVER now and can't wait to take my 8 week pics, which will be taken when we get back from Texas on December 28.

I'm resting up again today and it's really weird how I go back and forth with this. My thinking teeters from rest, rest! You need more rest so you can kick your own ass working out tomorrow when you're back to almost normal and won't pass out from exertion! to You cow! You're missing two workouts in a row? Psh! What a wuss... You'll wake up a hundred pounds heavier tomorrow from this! and that's when I slap myself. Why is it so hard to cut myself some slack when I'm ill? I hate that pesky self-loathing voice in my head. It's not as loud as it used to be but man, it's still there.

Yesterday I took Ethan for a mile-long stroller walk to get some fresh air and some form of exercise. It was something like 77 degrees and sunny. Today it'll be 76 degrees with scattered thunderstorms and cloudy skies all day. Tomorrow? A high of 53. I hate that we have to keep our summer AND winter clothes out all the damn time. I don't even really own many winter clothes because I get to wear them for like a day. I am achingly jealous of the people that live in places with snowy cold white winters. Mail me some snow already.

Yesterday's food

Hi-protein hi-fiber french toast with sugar free syrup
coffee with Splenda

more coffee with Splenda
choco-pb-nana-protein shake

1 whole egg plus 2 whites mixed with 1 T. basil pesto and a big handful of broccoli slaw
1 pear
green tea

small apple
2 lite string cheese

1 oz. mixed nuts

the last serving of Florentine Chicken a la Pesto (sooo good, will make this again fo' sho')
broccoli and extra spinach
green tea

stick-o-sugarless gum

Total cals: 1,595

Workout: rest day (sick day), but I did manage a walk with Ethan

Anxiety

Man. Today I'm sick. I've got that peanut-butter-stuffy-nose thing going on, where it shifts from nostril to nostril. I hate the way sinus pressure makes your head just hurt. I feel like I'm underwater. My throat is sore, too. I'm resting today and hoping that this will be the worst of it. Ethan has had a horrible chest cough since Monday, and now he's got a runny nose. I am pretty sure that I'll end up with the same cough. That's just the way it goes.

D has been sleeping on the couch to stay as germ-free as possible, since we really don't want the working man to catch this crud. I'm sure his smoking and drinking will lend his immune system a helping hand in fighting off any threats, donchathink? I know when I want to feel my very best I toss a few shots of vodka down the hatch and smoke at least a pack of Camels. It works every time. Cheers to good health!

::

Drew just texted me to say that his boss, our landlord, will be putting the house we're living in on the market in the next few weeks. We rent a tiny wooden house from him that I hated at first but have learned to love. Our backyard is a huge sugarcane field, we're in the middle of nowhere, our neighbors are great and rent is super cheap. It's only obviously only temporary, but I thought temporary meant like two years. We were going to stay here for a year after I went back to work and pay off some debt and our cars. Now, at worst, we will have to move within the next three months. I realize it takes forever for houses to sell, particularly when they look like they were in the movie The Wizard of Oz, but still. Me going back to work + sticking Ethan in daycare + the mere thought of moving = ANXIETY. Plus, I'm sick, and everything sucks so much harder when I'm sick. I'm sure the skies will be blue again when I start to feel better. Besides, we can knock out moving in a weekend, we can move somewhere with more room, re-decorate (which I love doing!), buy new furniture (again) and start fresh. Looking on the bright side is not something that comes naturally to me. But anyone who's read even one post in this blog probably already knows that. I don't call it pessimism, I call it being realistic. Aren't I kind of young to be so jaded?

::

Ethan pulled the same biting crap last night. He nursed heartily in the morning and again in the afternoon, but when it came time for his evening session he looked up at me, right into my eyes, and bit. Hard. He was totally trying to get a reaction. I finally decided to ignore the pain and pretend it didn't hurt, but then he pulled away and fussed because his plan to make me cry failed, I guess. If he is starting to nurse for reasons other than to nourish his stinky ass, it's time to wean. If I cradle him and unsnap my bra and instead of thinking thank gawd, I'm simply famished, kind mother, let me guzzle thy carefully manufactured boob juice! he thinks haha, now's my chance to chew her nipple like a piece of Trident, it's time to fucking wean. I'll get serious about it when he's feeling better.

::

Today marks the end of 4 weeks into my get-healthy-and-totally-kick-ass lifestyle change. I will take pictures. I was going through the 4-week freakout on Monday, but I'm ok now. I train hard and eat right and the results I crave are kind of inevitable. My diet could always use tweaking, but right now I'm not willing to give up caffeine or carbonation and I am really enjoying my food. I've been toying with the idea of limiting processed carbs to post-workout meals only, but I honestly don't think I'm ready for all that. I've lost weight, have visible muscle going on, and am really quite happy with my results so far. I am headed in the right direction for sure. It's only been a month for cryin' out loud, and naturally I am impatient and want it now, I want to be lean and fit and ripped noooooooow. But that's human nature I suppose. I think this is probably the point where the initial excitement wears off and most people give up. Just gotta keep on trucking. If this is for life there's no sense in going nuts at the start.

Food Yesterday

1/3 c. (dry) oats with 1 c. lo-fat cottage cheese, Splenda and cinnamon
coffee and Splenda

shake:
1 c. frozen strawberries
1 c. 1% milk
2 pkts. Splenda
splash of water
1 scoop chocolate whey protein
ice

more coffee with Splenda

a few handfuls of spinach, red onion, 1/4 avocado and 3 oz. salmon with 2 T. lite ceasar dressing
green tea

pear
2 lite string cheese

1 serving Florentine Chicken a la Pesto
steamed cauliflower and extra spinach (man, I ate a TON of spinach yesterday!)
green tea

stick-o-sugarless gum

Total cals: 1,440

Workout: Power Hour (I'm starting Maximum Intensity Strength on Saturday, WHOOt!)

Bite Three Times...

I am down to feeding Ethan 3-4 times per 24-hour period. He's slowly getting away from nursing at night, and this week I'm making an effort to get him off of his midnight snack completely. Next to go will be the mid-day feeding, then the evening and early morning sessions, respectively. Part of me wants to keep the early morning feeding until he's into his first year, but there's a big chance my milk supply will diminish too much and I won't be able to keep it up. The other part of me says WEAN, WEAN, as quick as you can! Freedom, sweet freedom! The year has kind of flown by and when I stop to consider that I have been breastfeeding my baby for almost an ENTIRE year, I am amazed. I got lucky. I am proud of myself. I think the end is near. We've already introduced E to whole cow's milk, so now it's just a matter of replacing each feeding one by one with a cup of milk. He does fine with a sippy cup on his own. I can't believe the breastfeeding bond will soon be a thing of the past! Part of me is elated, part of me doesn't want to let it go. But I already said that, didn't I?

Yesterday at E's afternoon nursing he bit me. Not once, not twice. Three times. He has 8 teeth in front, 4 on top and 4 on bottom, like little razors. It hurt like hell. The first two times I pulled him away with a stern No, no. No biting. Biting hurts. The third time I actually yelled, for the very first time ever, right at my son. Tears welled up in his bright blue eyes and his lip quivered. It was awful. He started to wail. I told him that I was sorry for yelling and hugged him, and reminded him that biting hurts. Once he calmed down and I re-offered my boob to him, he pulled away and started to fuss. I tried switching sides, but he refused. I concluded that he just wasn't very hungry and that he'd eat more before bed. When bedtime rolled around and I tried to nurse him, the same thing happened. He wouldn't even latch on for a second. He pulled away and began to fuss. Rejected again! I couldn't believe it. By this time my boobs were full-on porn star quality: rock hard, sticking straight out, engorged with milk. It was scary. I had no choice but to pump.

The pump I have is this little dinky hand-held. I hate manual pumps, hate them with all of my soul! I pumped and pumped and pumped until my hands cramped up and I could pump no more, then I made my husband pump it until his hand cramped up too. All I got was a measly 2 ounces. I poured the milk into a sippy cup and offered it to E. He seemed to gulp it down, but when I took the cup away from his mouth all the milk spilled onto the floor, soaking his jammies and the living room rug. Bah! All my hard work! All that precious milk! I dumped the rest down the drain. This morning it took a tiny bit of prodding to get Ethan to nurse, but once he latched on his eyes relaxed and he seemed to be in heaven as he literally gulped down my mommy juice. Thank gawd. Suddenly weaning would be the worst thing in the world. However, it might give me a brief career in adult movies. How does Sara Does Louisiana sound?

::

Yesterday ended up being a high calorie day. I had planned a cheat for today but found myself seriously wanting some fat-free frozen yogurt last night, so I switched things accordingly. I swear, next cheat will be gooooood. Drew kept making fun of me for wasting a free meal on fat-free frozen yogurt with a tablespoon of apricot all-fruit spread, 1 chocolate Tootsie Pop and 2 whole-grain fig neutons. That was definitely a wussy indulgence. I think on Saturday I'll get a Pumpkin or Eggnog milkshake from Jack in the Box and maybe have a glass of wine. Now that's exciting.

Yesterday's Food

1/3 c. (dry) oats with 1 c. lo-fat cottage cheese, Splenda & cinnamon
coffee with Splenda

choco-pb-nana-protein shake
coffee with Splenda

egg salad on whole wheat flatbread with onion and lettuce
diet rootbeer
green tea

small apple
2 lite string cheese

1 oz. mixed nuts
more diet rootbeer

5 oz. whitefish filet
steamed broccoli
sweet tater with 1 T. basil pesto

1.5 c. fat-free frozen vanilla yogurt
1 T. apricot all-fruit spread
1 chocolate Tootsie Pop
2 whole-grain fig neutons

Total cals: 2,055

Workout: 20 mins. step aerobics

I'm feeling better today. I felt like donkey balls when I woke up this morning, but after lifting weights for an hour I felt much betta. Awesome.

Do This NOW

From the Dec. 2006 issue of Self magazine:

Help our planet by simply modifying a few basic habits. You'd be stupid not to take action when it's this easy! (Ok I added that part...)

What you can do AT HOME

Switch to compact fluorescent bulbs. They consume less energy and last 10 times longer. If every family changed five bulbs, it would be like taking 8 million cars off the road.

Unplug chargers. Devices that are "on" even when off waste energy and account for 10 percent of your electric bill. Put chargers on a power strip; turn it off when at work.

Buy energy-efficient appliances. A fridge with an Energy Star label uses 40 percent less power than an older model.

Purchase only recycled paper products. If every household replaced one roll of virgin toilet paper with one recycled post-consumer-waste roll, 424,000 trees would be saved.

Cancel catalogs and shop online. Asking to be taken off a mailing list takes less time than ordering something.

Stop drinking individual bottles of water. The annual amount of oil expended to produce plastic bottles sold in the United States is enough to fuel 100,000 cars for an entire year.

Make your next car a fuel-efficient one. A car that gets 40 miles per gallon emits half the CO2 (carbon dioxide) of one that gets 20 mpg.

Conserve in other small ways. Don't prerinse dishes in the dishwasher, and run the machine only when full.

What you can do IN YOUR COMMUNITY

Join Laurie David's Virtual March (she's comedian Larry David's wife, the dude from Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld!). Log on to StopGlobalWarming.org and pledge to help fight the problem.

Start a no-idling rule. You can cut down on emissions and save 10 percent on fuel if you turn off the ignition when running errands and picking up kids from school.

Ban leaf blowers. A blower generates as much emissions in one hour as driving a car 350 miles. Tell your neighbors. (WHO KNEW!?!)

Encourage others to use less packaging. Ask fellow parents at your child's school to buy in bulk and utilize reusable containers instead of individually wrapped snacks.

Recycle. Pass on your old issues of magazines to a friend or donate them to a library.

Vote GREEN. Support politicians who are committed to reducing carbon emissions. (Find out who is at LCV.org.)

Reuse bags. It takes as much petroleum to make 14 plastic bags as it does to drive a car 1 mile.

Launch a mug movement. Encourage coworkers to drink from reusable mugs rather than polystyrene cups.

Reward do-gooders. Talk to your boss about incentives for carpoolers and premium parking spaces for hybrid drivers.

EVERY LITTLE BIT COUNTS. These are easy easy EASY little things you can do every day that add up. Ya hear me knockin? LET ME IN! Seriously.

Decided

I'm getting sick. This blooooows. I woke up yesterday with that kinda-sorta scratchy throat thing going on, plus a not-quite-but-almost stuffed up nose. It's worse today. Ethan has a cough. (Blech. Ack. Spit.) I hate this feeling. BUT! I worked out anyway. My thinking goes: when I am coming down with something and I say screw it, I'm working out anyway and pushing myself until I die! then I tend to get sicker quicker (surely that's not proper grammar, but it does sound cool... sicker quicker... heh). On the other hand, if I am coming down with something and say oh, poor me, guess I can't work out! and I mope in all of my misery then I also tend to get sicker quicker. So, I worked out and pushed myself but it was a shorter workout. I feel good now so I think it was a smart move.

::

I have decided to quit my whining and enjoy, REALLY ENJOY!, these last 2-3 months at home with Ethan. I know that when I start work it will be great. Oh, I'll have a purpose and an identity and a paycheck! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! But after maybe a month or two I know I'll wish I was home with E. I'll curse myself and kick myself and regret not making the most of these last precious weeks. So, no more whining. I'm going to stop sighing so damn much. I am going to stop pinching the bridge of my nose and closing my eyes everytime something gets to me. I am going to smile. And ya know how they say that even if you feel like biting the head off a dove, just faking a smile will make you feel better? It's true.

Food yesterday

Healthy hi-protein french toast with sf syrup
black coffee with Splenda

choco-pb-nana-protein shake
more coffee with Splenda

3 oz. salmon mixed with 1 T. basil pesto and a big handful of broccoli slaw
raw veggies (cherry tomatoes, celery, baby carrots, etc.)
diet rootbeer

green tea
pear
2 lite string cheese

1 oz. mixed nuts

1 serving Florentine Chicken a la Pesto
lots-o-broccoli and extra spinach
green tea

stick of sugarless bubblegum

Total cals: 1,545

Workout: rest day, puttered around the house and hung a sports-themed border in E's room

Family

We should totally fire the photographer, right? This was snapped on Thursday. It was our first Thanksgiving as a married couple with a kid, as an actual FAMILY. Ethan was distracted by the dog and D... well, I'm quite sure his face isn't normally like that. Last I checked, anyway. I'm guessing that mouth of his was on it's way to a smile, he just wasn't quick enough. Technology is quick these days, isn't it? (I'm telling you right now that it will be the death of us. I mean, cars that parallel park themselves? We are DOOMED!) But I digress...

::

Yesterday's Food

1/3 c. (dry measure) oatmeal mixed with 1 c. lo-fat cottage cheese, cinnamon and Splenda
coffee with Splenda

Shake:
1 scoop chocolate whey
1 c. frozen strawberries
1 c. 1% milk
ice & Splenda

Blend and guzzle.

coffee with Splenda
1 whole egg & 2 whites mixed with 1 T. lite mayo, 1 T. mustard, onion and a big handful of broccoli slaw
small apple

medium banana
2 lite string cheese
diet Mountain Dew

1 serving Florentine Chicken a la Pesto
lots of steamed broccoli and cauliflower

green tea
1 oz. mixed nuts

Total cals: 1,605

Workout: Power Hour (I have made so much progress with this workout... I'm much stronger and I felt like Wonder Woman pushing through this yesterday. Which means, of course, it's time to change things up.)

Un-hungover

First let me say that much much MUCH to my husband's dismay I decided not to drink on Thanksgiving. This meant that I didn't plunge head first into the pecan pie, slather myself in candied sweet potatoes and use cranberry sauce for lipgloss. Thursday night I went to bed hungry, a big difference from years past when immediately after the meal I wanted nothing more than to change into my "stretchy" pants, curl up into a little butterball and go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I ate a lot. But it felt good and I didn't totally hog out. You people just don't know what I'm capable of. I've thought in the past that I could totally win one of those eating contests you see on t.v. Nothing disgusts me more than watching people shove "meat" hotdogs down their maw followed by soggy white buns over and over and over again, a race against the clock! But if they were eating, say, pounds of chocolate or cheesecake, well... I would kick everyone's ass and then my head would probably explode. ANYWAY! I'm rambling here, what a surprise. I did well on Thanksgiving. I worked out first thing, took Ethan for a walk, ate loads of veggies and even had a protein shake in addition to my fair share of all of the usual traditional Thanksgiving eats.

::

Ethan is into throwing all-out tantrums now. What's that? You want to wash my hair? Blaaaaaeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaa! (as he flails about like a fish out of water). It's like something from The Exorcist. Oh, you want to change my diaper, do you? Ahhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaableeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaa! I'm not sure where I lost total control. It just slipped through my fingers and I didn't even know it. Last time I checked I was the FUCKING PARENT and he was a BABY. Who took my sweet baby boy and replaced him with this little dictator? His rules are as follows:

• You will hold me at all times.
• You will feed me a never-ending supply of rice cakes.
• Hold me more!
• I shall sit in my own filth.
• I shall use mushed up cheese and sweet potatoes to style my hair indefinitely.
• Hold me.
• Hold me.
• HOLD ME!
• I may or may not wake up eleventy jillion times throughout the night, for no reason at all.
• I will charm the pants right off of everyone in public so that when you complain about me in any way they will say "Ah, but he's so happy! And good!" and you will look like a bloody fool!
• I reserve the right to change any of the above in any way at the poop of a diaper.
• Also, muahahahahahahahaha! SUCKERS!

They say this is just a phase. Let us all take a brief moment of silence to HOPE THE FUCK SO!
Otherwise? He's great! Learning and laughing and cruising and torturing the dog. Playing the drums. Watching Barney. Generally just stealing what's left of my heart.

::

Today we're decorating for Christmas and that makes me overly happy and excited, in that annoying 'let's sing carols and bake cookies' kind of way. D is home through Sunday and I can't remember the last time we were all together for four days straight. I'm drinking coffee from a Santa mug. I think everything is gonna be alright.

Yesterday's Grub

1 whole-wheat, lo-carb flatbread
3x1 omelet
coffee with Splenda

choco-nana-pb-protein shake

flatbread with onion, lettuce, 1/4 avocado and 3 oz. salmon
coffee with Splenda

pear
2 lite string cheese

sweet tater with 1 T. trans-fat free margarine
steamed broccoli and cauliflower
5 oz. whitefish filet with lemon pepper and garlic
diet rootbeer

stick of sugarless bubblegum and green tea

Total cals: 1,375

Workout: Interval Max... brutal, but in a good way. We have a love-hate relationship.

Cute, huh? What's that? Oh, the picture of food, right. Well! That, my friends, is what my husband ate for dinner last night. This is actually a typical meal at home for him. I had fish, brussel sprouts and a sweet potato. He had a pepperoni hot pocket, FRIED onion rings and half a loaf of cheese-garlic bread. He could have saved at least part of his heart and baked the damn onion rings, but he insists that frying is "so much quicker" and tastes "so much better". He fries any and everything that can withstand being submerged into a pot of hot oil. His 4 food groups are grease, fat, salt and alcohol. Trust me, I'm on his ass about it. Yesterday while he was eating I asked him if he wanted me to re-marry after he has his heart attack at the tender age of 25. I'm not sure if I got my point across, though.

::

This morning Ethan and I went to the DMV to get my last name changed on my driver's license. Yup, I've been married for well over a year and am just now getting around to legally changing my name. The first week in October I drove 40 minutes to apply for a new social security card with my new last name. No sweat, it took maybe 5 minutes and I was out the door. I was to receive the card by mail within 2 weeks. I never got the card, and when I called yesterday they insisted that I come back to the office to RE-APPLY. Fuck. Ok. And I needed to have identification with my new last name on it. Soooooo I had to get my new license in order to get my new social security card. And because I'm a glutton for punishment, I decided to do it all at once. Ethan was great at the DMV, but by the time we made it to the SS office, well. Yeah. Unless there was a pretty girl nearby to flirt with (gah, he's such a pimp!), I was frantically rolling him around in his stroller trying to distract him from his misery until it was our turn. We survived, but he missed his morning nap. The rest of the day should be fabulous. I can't wait. I am so very excited. (HELP.)

(Oh, and if you happen to have the social security card that I never received, FUCK YOU. My posse is watching...)

The lady at the DMV gave Ethan a balloon that she had at her desk. A big shiny purple HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloon. I thought that was odd. Nice, but.... it's not his birthday and balloons + babies doesn't exactly = safe, does it? She mentioned that she's a soon-to-be grandma. Marvelous. Also!? This guy at the SS office tried to give Ethan 2 quarters. That's nice and all, but, uh... I think people are trying to choke my kid. Maybe in 1955 parents tossed coins at their kids to shut them up or something. Doesn't seem to work nowadays, although I suppose if he were to choke he'd be quiet about it, right? Maybe that's what he was going for.

::

Anyway! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have many, many things to be thankful for. First, I'm thankful that my kid didn't choke on quarters or his balloon. I'm thankful that I have been able to stay home with him for this entire year. I am thankful that I'm going back to work in a few months. I am thankful for my husband, who works really hard and puts up with a lot of crap in order to provide for his family. I'm thankful for my stupid yippity chihuahua. I'm thankful for my health, for my family's health (though I'm not sure how much longer my husband has eating like he does). I'm thankful that a new season of The Real World starts tonight. I'm thankful that I have calories to count (and food to eat!). I'm thankful for Ethan's laugh. For his smile. I could go on forever. I think I'll stop here. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Take a moment to be thankful for what you've got, because IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE. ;)

Yesterday's Eats

1/3 c. (dry measure) oatmeal mixed with 1 c. lo-fat cottage cheese, cinnamon and Splenda (This was really good. Looked like puke but was tasty as hell!)
coffee and Splenda

choco-pb-nana-protein shake
more coffee and Splenda (me and the coffee, we have a love affair we do...)

3 oz. salmon, 1/4 avocado, onion and red leaf lettuce on a whole wheat flatbread
diet dr. pepper
green tea

1 apple
2 lite string cheese
1 small chocolate chip cookie (gasp! 'Twas delicious and accounted for...)

5 oz. whitefish filet
medium sweet potato with 1 T. trans-fat free margarine
brussel sprouts (is it brussel or brussels? they're delish either way!)
green tea

Total cals: 1,505

Workout: Power Hour (I'm on my last week of this program! Next week I'm switching to Maximum Intensity Strength.)

Blawg

I was thinking this morning about how self-obsessed my blog is, how all I write about it my diet and my exercise and my baby and my boobs and my sleep deprivation, yada yada yada, how lame. Then I realized that, um, hello... it's my blog. I can write about whatever the fuck I want. I admire those blogs out there that actually contain useful information and talk about interesting things, the happenings of the world, the latest news... and those that don't contain a million and one typos and grammatical errors. I figure that when I go back to work and get a life I'll be writing much less frequently, but the quality of my writing and it's content will be that much better. I might actually have something to say. (Maybe. Don't hold your breath.)

Today I cleaned our bathroom and the kitchen and living room. I wiped down the outside of the oven for much too long, all because I liked the way my arm muscle looked while doing so. I'm doing laundry and drinking a protein shake now, and other than working out and cleaning (which I've already done) my last mission for the day is to find out the difference between a moth and a butterfly. A girl's gotta have goals, right? I'll try not to hurt myself.

Yesterday's food

1/3 c. (dry measure) oatmeal with Splenda
3 x 1 omelet
coffee with Splenda

choco-pb-nana-protein shake

healthy egg salad with lettuce and onion on a whole wheat flatbread
coffee with Splenda

pear
2 lite string cheese
green tea

28g whole wheat pasta mixed with 1 c. spinach, 1 c. lo-fat cottage cheese and 1 T. parmesan cheese (plus salt and pepper, of course) (this was delicious, don't barf until you try it!)
steamed brussel sprouts and cauliflower (I LOVE brussel sprouts!)

diet dr. pepper and a stick of sugarless gum

Total cals: 1,395

Workout: 40 mins. step aerobics

P.S. I finally gave in and slept on the couch last night to escape D's snoring. I had the best sleep I've had in close to a year. Who knew?

Munday

Yesterday evening was a cheat meal at D's parents' house. It was awesome. I left totally satisfied but surprisingly not unpleasantly full, which means that I am, in fact, capable of using self-control. I know, who knew? I was even hungry before bed but much too comfy (ahem, lazy) to get up and get a snack. This morning's cardio workout was smokin'. My body appreciated the extra calories and carbs from last night and they were put to good use in my living room this morning.

It was also nice to not count and calculate everything I put in my mouth for once. (A dirty joke would fit so well right here but it's too easy.) I'm doing really well with it and it's not driving me too terribly batty, but I definitely need a break from it every now and again. I ate 800 clean calories throughout the day before going to my in-law's house, and my goal was to hit around 2,000-2,200 for the day. That left 1,200-1,400 to "splurge" with. I am confident that I met that goal. Wheeeeew, it was tough, but I think I did it. ;)

Today I'm going to buy a bra. Christ, the dreaded bra search! And I'll have Ethan in tow, of course, which means that it'll be more like a bra shopping race, a bra-athon. Wish me luck. The girls need a lift and it's time for something sexy and lacy instead of these hideous beige-colored cheapo nursing bras I've been wearing for the last 10 months. Soon the milk-bar will be closed for good. We had a good run, folks, but it's time to move on.

Yesterday's Food

1 mini cinnamon whole wheat flatbread
3x1 omelet with 1 slice 2% cheese
coffee with Splenda

more coffee with Splenda
choco-pb-nana-protein shake

3 oz. salmon with 1/4 avocado and red onion in a lo-carb, whole wheat flat bread with a ton of red leaf lettuce
diet dr. pepper
green tea

Free Meal:
1 homemade oatmeal cookie and 3/4 c. eggnog (I LOVE EGGNOG) (I need a shirt that says that!)
melba toasts with spinach-artichoke dip
melba toasts with a few tablespoons of chicken salad
tortilla chips and spicy sausage queso
red beans and sausage on white rice
coleslaw
1 cornbread muffin
1 pecan bar square
diet Mountain Dew to wash it all down (What's better than chasing a free meal with the most chemical-laden, radioactive diet drink available?)

Total cals: <2,500

Workout: rest day

Sunday

D plays Tony Hawk on Gamecube. I take a nice long bubble bath. Ethan naps. It's all good.

Yesterday's Grub

Healthy hi-protein french toast with sugar free syrup
coffee with Splenda

Choco-pb-nana-protein shake

bottle of Diet Lipton Citrus Green Tea
lean pocket ULTRA & 2 whole carrots
more coffee with Splenda

pear
2 lite string cheese
orange and passionfruit green tea (yum!)

~5 oz. whitefish filet with lemon pepper and garlic
56g whole wheat rotini with 1 T. parmesan cheese
steamed broccoli
diet dr. pepper

Total cals: 1,390

Workout: Power Hour (60 mins. weight training)

Naked

I notice that when I am feeling down, fat, bloated, worthless, insecure or a deathly combination of all of the above, I wear more makeup. When I'm exercising regularly and eating well, I barely wear any makeup at all. My hair is worn naturally (hairtype: nappy), usually swept back into a ponytail (if you haven't suffered the intense pain of tiny fingers gripping your hair in fistfuls at the root and using that grip to pull a twenty pound body up to standing, well... take my word that it fucking sucks. You'd wear your hair up, too). My makeup is natural; some tinted moisturizer here, a dab of concealer there, a swipe of blush here and here. Then maybe some powder and sometimes, sometimes, mascara. Since I've been living a healthier lifestyle my skin looks so much better! When I'm down and out I feel (and look) the need to wear eyeliner and heavy mascara, secretly saying 'I know my ass looks horrible but perhaps I can distract you with my pretty blue eyes? Look at my eyes!'. It's nice to kind of say 'here I am, this is me. I'm feeling great, check out my ass!' instead.

I also walk taller and smile more, just a few of the fabulous side effects of getting your shit together. Maybe originally you start cleaning up your diet and busting your ass to fit into smaller jeans, but feeling good and energetic and happy is awesome, too. Soooooo worth it. To me, anyway.

Tomorrow will be a cheat meal at my in-laws house while we watch football: homemade red beans and rice. (!!!) Did I mention cornbread, too? Yeah. It is amazing. And then Thanksgiving day will be another cheat day. I'll keep things super clean otherwise and have no reason to stray from my scheduled workouts. GO ME.

Yesterday's food

South Beach wrap
coffee with Splenda & 1/4 c. 1% milk

more coffee with Splenda
Choco-peanut butter-banana protein shake

1 can light tuna with 1 T. lite mayo on 2 slices hi-fiber bread with onion and lettuce
1 oz. mixed nuts
green tea

apple
2 lite string cheese

small sweet tater with 1 T. trans-fat free margarine
4 oz. lean beef patty, broiled and topped with ketchup
steamed broccoli
green tea

Total cals: 1,625

Workout: Rest day, took E for a walk

Friday

I was going to write this chipper, upbeat post about goals goals and more goals, what are my goals? How will I achieve those goals? What's the plan, man? I was totally just going to lay it all out. But! I am so absolutely turbo caffeinated right now, and I don't think this is the best time to do it. I need a calm, clear, peaceful state of mind in order to spell everything out like I want to. It would require actual thinking, and all I can do right now is type at a kazillion miles an hour and shake my leg uncontrollably. You know that annoying person that sits next to you in class or on the bus or in the movie theater that can't stop fidgeting and shaking one part of their body? That's me. Hi, nice to meet you.

Ethan's a pill today. We had to be somewhere at 7:30 this morning, and we had to stop to get gas on the way out, so we needed to leave the house by 7 a.m. I actually had to wake my baby up, which is the craziest thing a person could possibly do. I expected that the rest of the day would be "off" and that Ethan would take advantage of every possible opportunity to express his great displeasure for everything life has to offer, particularly his cereal, yogurt, diaper changing, carseat, socks, his sippy cup, me, and the air we breathe.

::

I have lost 5 pounds! I am thrilled. I'm in my third week of this 'get healthy and ripped' thing, and it's nice to see some results on the scale. I feel fantastic, I don't really miss drinking anymore, I'm enjoying my food and my workouts and can't wait to set more goals for myself. Ethan is now chucking goldfish crackers and pieces of apple at me. Fan-fucking-tastic. (He's got great aim, I'll give him that much.)

Yesterday's food

3x1 omlete with salsa on a lo-carb whole wheat flatbread
coffee with Splenda

Shake:
1/2 c. 1% milk
2 packets Splenda
1/2 pitcher of ice
splash-o-water
1 c. cherries
1 scoop chocolate whey protein

Blend, drink, move on.

egg salad wrap with onion and lettuce
coffee with Splenda

small apple
2 lite string cheese
green tea

1/2 c. fat-free refried beans mixed with 1 can chicken (5 oz.) topped with 1 slice 2% cheese and salsa
steamed mixed veggies
green tea

stick of sugarless bubblegum

Total cals: 1,405

Workout: Interval Max... 30 minutes of total insanity (it was awesome!)

War

My husband and I had a little tiff about religion last night. My beliefs don't fall within the parameters of any specific faith. I just believe. That's about it. I believe in a higher power and the greater good and living life to the fullest, helping your neighbor, loving your neighbor, not pissing on your neighbors flowerbed and all of that. I also respect what other people believe; just because I don't put my faith into any organized religion isn't to suggest that I think it's wrong or stupid or that all it's followers are going to burn in the eternal fires of hell, oh my! I just don't know. I'm more of a religious skeptic, more intrigued by the mystery of the unknown, and I don't need stories and crying statues to get me by. I believe, and that's enough for me. I don't want to package that up and put it in a nice little box with a bow on it and call it Fred. I really think that a person's relationship with whatever God they choose to believe in (or lack thereof) is extremely private. I love the idea of people gathering together to get in touch with their spirituality and acknowledging that there is something greater than ourselves, something more. But once you put rules and labels on it, and people get cocky, I am completely turned off.

My husband knew this about me when we met. At one point he agreed. It was never a big deal to me whether he had faith or not, whether he called himself a Christian or Catholic or a Baptist, as long as he could back it up and wasn't blindly following along just because and expected me to do the same. His beliefs are his beliefs, who I am to interfere?

We've both been raised Catholic, but I stopped going to church a long time ago. Now I'm struggling with the issue of how to introduce Ethan to religion, what to teach him, how to handle it all. Suddenly my husband is a Catholic again, and that's fine, but he's treating me like I'm the anti-christ and I'm not quite sure where it's coming from. I am fine with going to church. As long as it's not a cult, I am down. As long as they don't make me do certain things simply because if I don't the devil will fry me up with a side of eggs and eat me for breakfast, I am fine. Let's pray!

I am hoping to find a church that we both like. If D and I don't set a plan and find a middle ground it's only going to cause problems. Last night I turned to him and said countries go to war over this very issue, and people die. How anyone can say that they are right and you are wrong blows my mind, because noone really knows. I just want to raise Ethan to be a good person and to be open-minded. That's what's most important to me. I'm going to make my husband read this post, because that way he can't interrupt me. Sheesh.

Yesterday's Grubage

1/3 c. (dry measure) oatmeal
3x1 omelet
black coffee with Splenda

Sara's Stay Awake Shake:
1 scoop chocolate whey
1 c. 1% milk
1 c. black coffee
2 packets Splenda and ice

Blend until the mixture foams up so much it nearly takes over your kitchen, then enjoy with a smile.

3 oz. salmon with 1/4 avocado, onion and lettuce in a ww lo-carb wrap

green tea
1 c. cherries
2 lite string cheese

diet Barq's rootbeer, which I learned does not contain caffeine after I drank it, bah! Wussies.
small sweet potato with 1 T. trans-fat free margarine
steamed mixed veggies (asparagus and broccoli blend)
~5 oz. whitefish filet with lemon pepper and garlic

more green tea and a stick of sugarless bubble gum

Total cals: 1,360

Workout: 20-ish minutes of step aerobics first thing and a 30-minute stroller walk with Ethan later in the day

Panic!

After a little junk t.v. watching with the husband last night I snuggled up to my Jimmy Falon pillow in hopes of a good night's sleep. I don't know if it was the cup of black coffee I had before dinner or what, because caffeine usually doesn't totally crack me out, but the minute I found a comfortable sleeping position my eyes shot WIDE open and my mind began to race. For nearly an hour, the same thoughts came rolling in and out of my brain, sending me into a crazily horrific panic:

What if my job wants me to work overtime and I can't pick Ethan up? I want to pick him up every day! How will E handle the adjustment of being one-on-one with me every day for a year to being left with some practical stranger and a bunch of other strange snot-nosed toddlers? Will he freak? Will he manage? Will he adjust? Will he hate me because of it? Will the daycare think it's weird that I want to come sit in there with E for an hour or so to get him used to it? Is that a good idea? I don't know if I can do it. I will cry at my new job! The job I don't even HAVE yet... what if I don't get a good job? What if I can't find any cute work clothes? What if my car explodes the first day of work? We only have one car seat, what if D has to pick E up one day and the car seat is in my car?

Me: Pssst. Psssssst. Hey, I can't sleep.
D: Well keep trying baby. (rolls over)
Me: Everything will be great, right? Everything will work itself out, right?
D: Yeah, what are you talking about?
Me: I mean, with Ethan and daycare and me going back to work and stuff. How will he adjust?
D: He'll do fine babe, everything will be great. He's smart.
Me: What does SMART have to do with it?
D: He's smart, he'll adjust and enjoy it. (begins to snore)
Me: (crosses arms in a worried huff)

I've had these thoughts before many times, long before we knew when I was going back to work and then again when we were actually trying to find an acceptable daycare facility. Once we found a place we liked, once we signed E up for February 2007 and paid the fee to hold his place and made a couple of visits to the center, I started to feel really good about it. In the meantime I'm going so batshit crazy with my own identity crisis that I kind of forgot that such a scary, SCARY thing is going to happen in a few months... As much as I complain about staying home and doing all the shit work and my husband is a pig and I'm just going to drink some bleach already, I don't want to be away from my baby. I really, really, really don't. I know we'll make it through. I know everything will be fine. Lots of parents work, and their kids are happy and healthy in a daycare with fun activities and friends and learning... it'll be good for him. Right? I can't have this panic go on until February. It'll eat me alive.

::

Needless to say I didn't fall asleep until 11:30 or so, and E woke up at 5 a.m., so I'm running on 5-ish hours of sleep. I maaaaaaade myself workout this morning, which I should totally get a medal for. Or at least a round of applause? Because I could've napped on the couch while Ethan played in his Exersaucer for a short while, but instead I put on my sneakers and threw myself around our living room until I was red-faced and sweaty for a good twenty minutes. Now excuse me while I go chug an entire pot of coffee.

Yesterday's Food

Healthy Protein French Toast with sugar free syrup
black coffee with Splenda

Choco-peanut butter-banana protein shake
green tea

egg salad wrap in a lo-carb whole wheat flatbread

1 small apple
2 lite string cheese

black coffee with Splenda
broiled lean beef patty with a slice of 2% cheese and ketchup
eight million pounds of steamed broccoli

(Cheat Meal)
1 Reese's big cup
1 regular-size Kit Kat
1 c. 1% milk

Total cals: 1,880

Workout: Power Hour

New Year

I seriously can't believe it's mid-November. Thanksgiving is... next week? That can't be right. (consults calendar) It IS! Whoa.

What do you all do at the end of the year? I organize the year's bills and paperwork and file them away to make room for the flood of paper invoices and statements to come. (Uh, "file" meaning dump into a box and label 2006.) I've asked many people what kind of system they have to keep themselves organized, and noone really had any spectacular way of doing things. I keep everything together but it's totally out of order by month, like my car insurance bills and paperwork is squished together but it goes from April to January to November to June, in no particular order at all. If I need to find something I have 12 or less months to sort through, so I figure that's not a huge deal. Is it? I really can't be bothered.

Otherwise I'm super organized! I always have my planner out and I check it daily. My husband and I have come a looooooong way with paying off debt and getting things to where we actually see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, horray! It's funny to think that just 3 years ago this month we moved into our first apartment together. We had nothing. We went completely insane with the credit cards. (We learned our lesson.) There was a time of great despair, because my gawd we'll never have anything nice and we will be in debt forever and life sucks and I don't want to grow up! But that time is long gone and for the first time I'm really and truly excited about the new year ahead. I have done a whole lotta growing up this year. Sometimes my husband jokingly tells me he doesn't even know me anymore, and honestly I surprise myself sometimes, too. Having a kid does crazy things to your head. I'm all concerned with retirement and savings and health benefits, I make my husband smoke far away from me and E, I drive the speed limit (most of the time) and follow rules and regulations and man, it goes on and on. This is quite a change from the cocaine-sniffing, beer-bonging, body-piercing Sara of 2003. 2004, even!

I must say that I do like myself better this way. At least I can say that I've gotten those wild tendencies out of my system for the most part. Besides, I could still down a mean beer-bong if I wanted to, for those are skills you never lose. It's just, do you know what beer does to your metabolism? I guess that's where the coke comes in handy.

Yesterday's Eats

Proatmeal:
1/3 c. (dry measure) oatmeal with 1 scoop whey protein and Splenda
coffee with Splenda and 1/4 c. 1% milk

3 oz. salmon with 1/4 avocado, onion and lettuce in a whole wheat, lo-carb wrap

1 apple
2 lite string cheese

Choco-peanut butter-banana shake:
1/2 pitcher of ice
2 packets Splenda
1/2 small banana
1/2 c. 1% milk
1/2 T. peanut butter
1 scoop chocolate whey protein powder
splash of water

Blend until smooth and creamy. It is soooo-ooo-ooo good.

1 c. turkey chili (I accidentally got the kind with NO beans)
steamed mixed veggies
2 caramel-corn rice cakes (to make up for the lack of beans, heh)

Cranberry pomegranate green tea and a stick of sugarless gum

Total cals: 1,375*

Workout: 30 mins. step aerobics (I have so many of these suckers that I never do the same cardio workout in a week, the result of once being a chronic over-exerciser with OCD.)

*This includes the gum, because I still have some twisted form of OCD.

Rx

My stress level is getting to the point that it totally ruins our Sundays, the only day my husband has off. It's our family day, but I can't seem to stop nagging him about everything. Look at these crumbs all over the couch! Ah, man... do you have mud on your shoes? Can you pleeeeeease take out the trash? You spilled spaghetti on the table. Please don't get peanut butter everywhere. Everything you come in contact with turns to shiiiiiiit and I have to clean it uuuuuuuuup!

I am a nightmare sometimes, a real pill. Part of me thinks it's because this is my territory, my job is to clean the house and keep it nice and in order, it's my identity these days, and he tears through in the evenings and on his day off like the fucking Tazmanian devil. I'm a clean-up-as-you-go or as soon as you are finished girl and always have been. My husband has more of an if-not-now-than-maybe-next-week ADHD style of doing things. Our styles do not mesh well. He could certainly pay a bit more attention to detail, but man... I need to chill the fuck out. I guess when my life feels out of control and uncertain, I immediately tend to grab onto whatever I can and rule it like there's no tomorrow. When my dad was sick with cancer, I got so strict with my diet and (over)exercising that I wound up in therapy, a doctor's call away from being hospitalized for malnutrition. Since I've felt hopelessly hopeless the last month or so, bored to tears and needing more to my life than diaper changing, VH1 and Windex All-Purpose spray, I've really turned into a no-fun life-sucks don't-be-surprised-if-you-come-home-and-find-me-dead housewife. And I hate it. I hate the way I am sometimes, a lot of the time. This has gotten significantly worse the last few weeks, since I gave up drinking for the most part. If I don't have my entire bottle of Merlot to look forward to at the end of the day, then what? Who will save my soul?

It was smart to give up drinking and perhaps eating too much to deal with these unpleasant feelings. I'm on my way to a better version of myself, the best possible version of me, but not without consequence. Not having your usual coping mechanism forces you to face your issues head on, and that sucks. It was time to make some changes, it's just too bad that those changes turned me into a momentary Wicked Witch of the Bayou. I guess I've learned a lot about myself in the months I've stayed home with Ethan, and in the end that will be a good thing. I never ever ever imagined things would be like this.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my son and cherish this time with him. I will absolutely miss it when it's gone, no doubt. We have fun during the day, we have a nicely laid out schedule complete with naps and going out and taking walks and story time and just sprawling on the floor acting silly. It's just sad that when we're in the produce section at Wal-Mart, for instance, and someone so much as looks my way I totally start humping their leg because I am so very desperate for adult interaction, hi how are you would you like to stay awhile and help me find a ripe cantaloupe please be my friiiiiiiiend.

I owe my husband a big fat I AM SO SORRY blowjob for acting the way I did yesterday. It's not his fault that I'm like this, but all I can seem to do is take everything out on him and the toothpaste marks he left on the faucet in our bathroom. He'll never understand how I feel unless he actually goes through it himself. He still hears me saying "I'd give anything to be able to stay home with Ethan for the first year, anything!" and I am so grateful that he made it happen. I need to let him know.

Food yesterday:

Healthy french toast with sugar free syrup
black coffee with Splenda

1 pear
2 lite string cheese

egg-salad (made with lite mayo, 1 whole egg and 2 whites) with onion and romaine on a lo-carb whole wheat flatbread

1 mini Met-Rx protein plus bar
black coffee with Splenda and 1/4 c. 1% milk

diet coke
5 oz. whitefish filet with lemon pepper and garlic
1 small sweet potato with 1 T. trans-fat free margarine
steamed mixed veggies (asparagus stir-fry blend)

1 oz. lightly salted mixed nuts

Total cals: 1,510

Workout: Active rest day, though I nagged so much yesterday that it felt as though I'd ran a marathon

Sunday

(For my heart is forever an eternal puddle of goo on the floor, all because of this little boy. How I love him so!)

Last night I had a dream that my sister Emily and her boyfriend got me to... drink blood. It was blood that had been frozen in a tiny vial and had melted into a blood-slushy if you will, and drinking it would turn me into a werewolf. They were sort of pressuring me into it the same way anti-drug commercials portray kids peer-pressuring each other into smoking pot. Is this my body's way of telling me that I need to eat more?

Which leads me to yesterday's food! Ya like how I transitioned that? Clever.

Healthy French Toast (made with 3 egg whites, 1 whole egg and sugar free syrup)
black coffee with Splenda

1 pear
2 lite string cheese

3 oz. salmon, 1/4 avocado, onion and lettuce in a lo-carb whole wheat wrap

1 mini Met-Rx protein plus bar
coffee with Splenda and 2 T. evaporated milk

the last of my Basque Chicken with 1 c. brown rice

"Diet Kool-Aid"
a 100-calorie mini-bag of light popcorn


Total cals: 1,505

Workout: Power Hour (an hour of weight training)

Saturday

Question: what should we do with Ethan's hair? The 'hawk grew out long ago, into a mess of frizzy half-curly-half-straight tufts. He definitely got my hair, poor boy, and I only recently figured out what to do with my hair after 26 years of misery. D wants to do the mohawk again, and I am considering it one last time. If we do it soon it'll grow out before he starts daycare, so maybe tomorrow we'll bust out the clippers and play some Sex Pistols while we clip away. Rock on, man. Rock on.

After my 60 minute weight workout this morning (go me!) Ethan and I went grocery shopping at the new Wal-Mart Supercenter in the next town over. I was aware that it had opened very recently, but not 3 days ago recently. There were tents with vendors and music outside, and fifty bajillion sample stands inside. Come on, people, it's a WAL-MART. The crowd was so big that I thought maybe a celebrity was due to make an appearance. All I wanted to do was buy some rice cakes and fish and arrowroot baby cookies and apples, for crying out loud. I can't even imagine what that place is going to be like tomorrow.

It's finally cold(er) here in Louisiana, with highs in the low 70's. Oh, how I love this time of year! I can't wait for it to get even colder. I hope that one day we move somewhere up north, somewhere with mild summers and snowy white winters. I really don't understand why my family ever left Canada in the first place. I was only 4 when we moved. What do you ever hear about Canada? Nothing bad, that's for sure. They just hang out on top of the U.S. and mind their own business, building snowmen and drinking hot chocolate and ice skating and saying 'ay' and generally living in fucking harmony and all of that. Oh, Canada...... one day I will return to thee!

I was going to stop posting my food on here, but I think I'll keep at it until my 4-week mark. That's when I'm planning on posting my before and 4-week pics. We shall see. Those of you that don't care can stop reading riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight now.

Yesterday's Eats

2 slices hi-fiber, lo-cal bread with 3x1 omlette and a slice of 2% cheese
black coffee with Splenda

1 pear
2 lite string cheese

Lean Pocket Ultra
coffee with Splenda and 1/4 c. 1% milk

rice cake with 2 T. peanut butter

(Cheat Meal)*
3- 12 oz. Miller Lites
steamed broccoli & cauliflower
4 oz. lean beef patty, broiled and topped with ketchup (the condiment of the Gods)
a glass of "diet Kool-aid"

1 chocolate chew
3 mini chocolate malt balls
1 mini chocolate bar (fun-size)

Total cals: 1,680

Exercise: 30 minutes step aerobics with intensity bursts

*Gah, I am so lame. I spend my cheat meals on lite beer and left-over Halloween candy. I need to be more exciting, I mean, really.*

Ran-dumb

I got... (wait for it)... 9 glorious hours of sleep last night. That's 9, nine, N-I-N-E! Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

::

We're thinking about renting The Island tonight. I've heard good things about it, but even if it sucks fat nuts there will still be lots of Scarlett deliciousness involved. Oh, and I think there's a guy in it, too. Watching it will not be time wasted if you ask me.

::

I have a question for y'all: how do you manage your stress? What do you do for you? How often do you set yourself some me time? Here I am, living in Louisiana. My husband works long hours, 6 days a week. I have no friends here. None. 90% of the time it's just me & E. That's all fine and dandy, but it gets to be a little stressful and a little lonely. Not really having anyone to talk to, except for you, my only friend, the Internet. (And maybe E!, but watching that for too long makes me think dark thoughts that we won't talk about here. That's another post entirely.)

Anyway, I'm going back to work in a few months and I'll actually have a life again, so things will work themselves out. But for now, at the end of the day, my shoulders are tight. I tend to clench my jaw. I sigh a loooooot. Sometimes my heart will pound rapidly, like when all I want to do is pee for the love of Christ and this baby won't let go of my ankles help me pleeeeeeeeeeeease!

I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but when THIS IS YOUR LIFE day after day after day, it can be stressful is all I'm saying. And I need desperately to find a way to manage that stress. I used to unwind by smoking pot. Then I started drinking every night. I don't do either or those things anymore, and clearly I need to find a way to unwind that does not involve the use of mind-altering substances. At least until I'm finished breastfeeding. (Kidding, mom.)

So, what do you guys do? Maybe some of you are shaking your heads and saying to yourselves, damn, I don't have a way to unwind either. I hope not, but we are one stressed out, high-strung country and it just shouldn't be that way. I need suggestions. Knitting? Meditation? Taking a deep breath and counting to 10,000? Punching strangers in the face? Pouring salt on slugs? What works for you?

::

I forgot to mention that yesterday was the start of week 2 of project:tighten-that-ass. I'm feeling great and while my clothes are fitting more loosely, I'm anxious and ready to see some real results. It takes time and persistence, I know. I will keep on trucking. (I can do regular push-ups for the first time ever, and that is awesome. That is progress! Also, I can do bicep curls with 15-pound dumbbells now. WHOOt!)

Yesterday Grubage

South Beach wrap
black coffee with Splenda

1 pear
1 string cheese
coffee with Splenda and 1/4 c. 1% milk

Egg Salad wrap (made with 1 whole egg, 2 whites)

1 rice cake with 2 T. peanut butter

1 serving Basque Chicken
1 c. brown rice

diet rootbeer
1/2 a bag of light kettle corn (Orville's Smart Pop, it's freaking delish)

Total cals: 1,500

Workout: Active rest day

Watch Out TOMMY LEE!

Bags

I, uh.... I actually have bags under my eyes this moring. I never have bags! EVER! I'm really worn thin with this sleep thing. Or, this no-sleep thing, rather. I was going to take a rest day tomorrow and do cardio today, but I really think I need the rest today more than anything. I'll do cardio tomorrow and my weight training on Saturday. Between chasing Ethan around during the day, keeping the house up and running, breastfeeding, my workouts and half the sleep I'm used to getting, I'm beat, y'all. I AM SPENT.

Today I will take Ethan for a walk. I will clean the kitchen and dust the living room. I will nap. I might not shower (gasp!). I will read more of How Much Cleavage Is Enough To Get the Job?... er, I mean The Smart Woman's Guide To Interviewing and Salary Negotiation, heh.

(Besides, we all know that cleavage alone is not enough. A super short skirt is also needed.)

So yesterday in yet another moment of desperation, I took Ethan to our drum set, set him on the little black stool and put the drumsticks in his hands. And he PLAYED. He hit this drum and then that drum, and topped it all off with the cymbal. He was totally going all wild and hardcore. And when I said Ok, that's enough for now!, he turned and looked at me as if to say No, mom. For I have found my passion, my love. I was born to play the drums. I was born to rock 'n' roll! You will NEVER take that away from me! In other words, he threw a fit, and he was more than happy to show his new skills to his dad later in the evening. Awesome.

Yesterday's fooooood

2 slices lo-cal, hi-fiber bread with a 3x1 omlette and 1 slice 2% cheese
black coffee with Splenda (exactly how I like my men)

(I had to use that line eventually)

1 apple
2 lite string cheese

1 lean pocket ultra
coffee with Splenda and 2 T. evaporated milk

1 rice cake with 2 T. peanut butta

2 serving Basque Chicken
1 c. brown rice
some no-cal, no-caffeine grape drink stuff... we'll call it 'diet kool-aid'

Total cals: 1,370

Workout: 30 brutal minutes of high-intensity intervals on the step

10-ish Months

Gah! How time flies. From the time we left for Texas until we returned home, Ethan practically became a totally different baby. D was blown away by how many new things E was doing when we came back to Louisiana, and we were only in Texas for a week.

To start, he's pointing now. It's... really weird. Suddenly this little baby we've been catering to all this time can kind of communicate with us. He's been shaking his head 'no' for awhile now, too. He says "ba" for bath and "bo" for book, and he started making the "shhh" sound for shoe. One of my favorite things to do while I change his diaper is play the Can You Say game.

Me: Can you say.... book?
Ethan: Bo... Bo...
Me: Can you say bath?
Ethan: Ba... Ba!
Me: Good job! Can you say... juice?
Ethan: Da...dat...
Me: Ok, not quite. Can you say... shoe?
Ethan: Shhh... shhh.
Me: Awesome! Can you say Da da?
Ethan: DA! Da da!
Me: Horray! Can you say mama?
Ethan: (shakes his head no)

Which, yes he CAN say mama. He just won't do it unless he's in distress. When we put him in his crib and he cries, he'll say "Mama, ma... mamamamama!". When he needs a nap and is overly tired, he'll crawl over to me and say "Mama. Mama.". Only in times of need or misery does my name ever come up. Thanks a lot, kid.

ANYWAY! Ethan also dances. I mean this little guy seriously boogies. Any time he hears music, be it from a commercial or a download from the computer, he'll stop, turn in the direction of the sound and start shaking his little butt to the beat, sometimes even moving from side to side. It's quite possibly the cutest thing I have ever witnessed in my life. The boy's got rhythm, and Lord knows he didn't get it from my clumsy, awkward ass.

His favorite foods these days are organic chocolate-chip graham crackers in the shape of bunnies, cheddar cheese, YoBaby yogurt, pieces of apple, corn and peanut butter on rice cakes. He frustrated me to no end in Texas because I'd go to great lengths to provide him with things he liked, or things I thought he liked only to be pegged in the face with a piece of half-chewed mango or sweet potato. Chicken was spectacular one day, but when I offered it to him the next he looked at me like I was trying to feed him his own arm. I know very well that this is just a very minor taste of what's to come in the toddler years, and let me just say that I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. I guess if the boy wants to live off of peanut butter and rice cakes or freeze-dried corn, that's ok. A baby's body wisdom is something to be admired, really. Even I could survive happily off of Goldfish crackers and yogurt.

Sleeping the last three days has been less than ideal, to say the least. There's been less sleeping and more, oh... screaming, fussing, kicking, again with the screaming, clinging to me for dear life. Sometimes I wonder if there's some sort of boogie man in his room, but I've thoroughly inspected and boogie man-proofed and I found nothing. I do believe he's getting a molar or two, and for now I'm blaming his sporadic night-night behavior on those pearly whites sent directly from Satan himself. Here child, have a molar. Now spread your misery like the plague!

Yesterday's Grub

3x1 omelet on 2 slices lo-cal, hi-fiber bread with 1 slice 2% cheese
coffee with Splenda

medium apple
2 lite string cheese

Egg salad wrap: 1 whole egg + 2 whites mixed with red onion, 1 T. both mustard and lite mayo and piled on romaine in a whole wheat, lo-carb tortilla

1 rice cake spread with 2 T. peanut butter

Free meal:
2- 16 ounce Miller Lites
1 lean beef patty, broiled and topped with ketchup
steamed broccoli and cauliflower

1 fun size package of M&M's
1 fun size 100 Grand
1 Kashi honey & flaxseed granola bar

Total cals: <1,875 (I got lazy and rounded up for the beers and the candy)

Exercise: Power Hour- 60 minutes of total body weight training

Break On Through

Man, I'm feeling reeeeeeeally good these days. It hasn't even been a week since I began project:healthy, but I already feel amazing. I actually didn't realize how shitty I was feeling before until I started to feel better. Awesome.

Ethan continues to be an absolute pill much of the time. When he's not being miserable he's an absolute joy to be around, though! My latest technique of distracting him from wanting to be held long enough for me to pay a bill/wash a dish/pee/bang my head against the wall is to grab anything in site that's baby safe and make it seem like it's the coolest thing in the world. I find that tupperware containers and/or lids work nicely, as do wooden spoons, water bottles and sharp kitchen knives.

ANYWAY! Poor little guy is cutting a tooth AGAIN. He's on his ninth tooth, which means he's almost got a tooth for every month he's been alive. Oh, and he pulled the same wake-up-every-three-hours bullshit last night, for the THIRD night in a row. I'm hoping it's the tooth, otherwise he must have decided that the schedule we worked SO. FUCKING. HARD. to establish just wasn't working for him anymore, and he took it upon himself to create a whole new schedule without consulting the parents first. I'm hoping it's just that rat bastard tooth, and he will be getting a big fat dose of baby Tylenol tonight before bed. And maybe a shot of whiskey, if he's extra fussy.

I think tonight I'll have my 2nd (and last) free meal for the week, which will consist of a couple lite beers and a few fun-size candy bars. Full report on that tomorrow. I know you just can't wait!

(YES, I said I was giving up drinking for awhile. To me, 5 days is a looong while. Hey, I'm working it in, man!)

Yesterday's Food:

1/3 c. (dry measure) oatmeal with splenda
3x1 omlette (3 whites + 1 whole egg)
black coffee

1 slice cheese rolled with 2 slices lean turkey
coffee with splenda and 2 T. evaporated milk

South Beach chicken and vegetable pizza

white cheddar rice cake + 2 T. peanut butter

1 serving Basque Chicken... sooooo freaking good! It's basically skinless chicken breasts in a little olive oil with diced tomatoes, green peppers, onion, garlic, olives, red pepper, paprika, chicken broth and oregano. I got the recipe from this cookbook, which has a ton of healthy protein & carb balanced recipes in it. It made 4 servings, so I've got 3 more meals ready to go in the fridge. I eat this with 1 c. brown rice.

Diet Rootbeer

Total cals: 1,375

Workout: 20 mins. step aerobics

Nucking Futs

I thought Ethan waking up at 5:30 Sunday morning was awful. Last night he woke up at the following times: 10:38, 2:30, 5:00 and 5:45. At 10:38 I went in to feed him, thinking I'd be home free for the night and could possibly get a decent night's sleep to make up for his early waking yesterday morning. At 2:30 I nearly pulled my hair out when he started his angry cry, rather than his usual oh I'm just waking between dreams and I'll get myself back to sleep in a minute so you don't have to get out of bed, mom cry. The angry cry is the one that comes blaring through the baby monitor like bullets from a machine gun. Worse, actually.

Anyway, it was clear that I needed to calm him down so I went into his room and held him, rocked him for a moment and put him back in his crib. Oh, the screaming! The kicking! He was throwing a pre-toddler fit of some sort, and I don't even think he knew what he wanted. He wasn't cold. He wasn't hungry. (Clearly he was doing this to make me miserable.) I went back and got him after a few minutes of this and took him into bed with me and D. He fell asleep immediately.

He's going through some major separation anxiety. I love it and I hate it. It irritates me to no end that I can't simply slip away for an eighth of a second to pee, for crying out loud. But I do love that when he's upset and reaches for me, all I have to do is take him in my arms. He'll rest his little head on my shoulder, and it makes my heart melt. When we were in Texas he'd happily be playing with one of his aunts or uncles, and all I'd have to do was walk through the gosh damn room. He'd spot me, drop whatever he was doing, start whining and quickly make his way over to my feet to be picked up: La la la, playing is so much fun! La la la! Aunt Emily is great! Doo doo doo... (he spots me)... What the hell? YOU! You, woman, hold it right there! Aren't you supposed to be taking care of me? Where have you been? Hmm? I demand that you pick me up immediately and never put me down. EVER.

This gets to be mighty exhausting, but it's normal and I know it will pass. I don't imagine he'd have many friends if by highschool he still drops to his knees and crawls over to me every time he sees me.

Needless to say I am once again sleep deprived today, but I toughed through my cardio workout anyway. If I don't do it first thing, fuggetaboutit. It won't happen. So I'm dusting off my hands now because it's done, outta my way for the day, and I feel much betta. Later I will nap, oh yes.

Ok, so. Has anyone see this show, the Doodle Bops? They horrify me. I've accepted Barney and made peace with the Teletubbies, but I will never welcome the Doodle Bops into my home. That's really just going too far. BUT! This show? Charlie and Lola? Holy hell, this is the cutest children's show I have EVER. SEEN. Nothing brightens my day more than watching Charlie try to convince Lola to eat fish sticks in that cute British accent: "Lola, these aren't fish sticks. They're ocean nibbles straight from the sea...". You really just have to see it, I guess.

Yesterday's Eats

Healthy french toast: 2 slices lo-cal, hi-fiber bread dipped in 3 egg whites and 1 whole egg whisked with cinnamon and topped with 1/4 c. sugar free syrup
coffee with Splenda

Tuna salad: 1 can of water-packed tuna mixed with 1 T. lite mayo, red onion & cabbage
1 small apple

1 lean pocket ultra (these are great in a pinch... made with whole grains and contain 5+ grams of fiber and balanced protein and carbs, great for a snack once in awhile)

1 white cheddar rice cake spread with 2 T. peanut butter

broiled lean turkey patty
the last of my squash soup (mmm!)
steamed broccoli and cauliflower

Total cals: 1,420

Exercise: rest day, took a walk with Ethan in the afternoon

Sunday

Yesterday morning I managed my hour long total body weight training session, and today I'm feeling some satisfying soreness in nearly ever muscle. I also had my free meal last night at my mother-in-law's birthday party, but let me tell you: I practiced loads of self-restraint and my calories for the day came in at maintenance, or slightly under. While tracking every single thing I ate at the party was mildly annoying, it really helped to put things in perspective as far as how freaking easy it is to consume thousands of calories and not really realize it. It also showed me that I can have these free meals and still lose weight; if I pick and choose my foods wisely, I can still stay within my calorie budget.

(Duh, I know.)

(Am I boring you yet?)

Today is a rest day as far as exercise goes, so I'll probably just take E for a walk later this afternoon. The Cowboys game is on today, which means that my husband's ass will be glued to the couch and his eyes to the t.v. for at least 3 hours.

Saturday

Ethan woke up at 5:30 this morning. I think he had some gas or an upset tummy, and when I finally admitted to myself that he was not going to fall back asleep like I wanted him to I peeled myself out of bed to go rescue him. Sheesh, being a baby is so hard. He was standing in his crib facing the door, gripping the bars tightly with both hands and cursing at me in screaming baby talk. Top of the morning to you, kind mother. What in bloody hell took you so long? Now, change my stinky diaper and feed me at once! I think he actually snapped his fingers, chop-chop style.

Today is day three of my quest to lose the jiggle, and the first day of slightly dwindled enthusiasm. Not enough to stop what I'm doing by any means, but I was tiiiiiiired this morning and needed to do my hour of weight training. Doing push-ups and bench presses and bent-over rows and squats, oh especially squats, for they are Satan's exercise!... these are not things you look forward to when you're dead tired and irritated.

However! I did it anyway, and I feel soooo much better. It's true that I never regret working out after I'm done. No matter how much I don't want to get started, I'm never thinking well damn, that just sucked. Why did I do those 30 minutes of cardio? What a waste of time! after the fact. I'm happier, more energetic and proud that I followed through. Sometimes the promises we make to ourselves are the hardest to actually keep.

(Whoa! Where'd that little gem of wisdom come from? See, working out and eating well is making me wise, oh so wise!)

(Is it apparent that I like to use italics for word emphasis? It's like I'm actually talking to you, isn't it? Brilliant!)

(See, I am sleep deprived.)

Anyway, later today I am baking a cake for my mother-in-law. White cake with butter cream icing, which yum. BUT! I don't think I want to waste a free meal on it. So, I'll just have to practice saying "No, but thank you!" with a smile and moving on. I don't expect to get a pat on the back every time I work out when I don't feel like it or each time I pass on a food that's not on my plan, but I can still blog about it, can't I?

Yesterday's Grub:

South Beach wrap
coffee with 2 packets Splenda and 1/4 c. 1% milk

Chicken salad sandwich:
1 can of chicken mixed with red onion and 1 T. lite mayo on 2 slices whole wheat, hi-fiber bread and romaine lettuce

the smallest apple I have ever seen
2 string cheese

1 white cheddar rice cake spread with 2 T. of chunky peanut butter
black coffee with Splenda

lean turkey patty
squash soup
steamed broccoli & cauliflower

1 c. 1% milk

Total calories: 1,490

Exercise: 30 minutes step aerobics (stop laughing, this shit is hardcore!)

Poor Baby

It's About Time

Hello! I am a layer of subcutaneous fat that has found a warm and cozy home around Sara's midsection. You can call me wine-gut! I hope she'll let me stay forever!

Hell to the noooooooooooooo. Not happening. Wednesday, after pouring myself a big glass of Merlot and inhaling exactly half of Ethan's Halloween candy, I had the moment. You know, the moment where you glance down at your flabtastic thighs and can't seem to convince yourself that what you see isn't that bad, it's better than most, there's muscle underneath that jiggle! I even went as far as having my husband take before pictures. As in: the pictures you find so absolutely horrifying that you finally decide it's time to stop guzzling wine like it's water and snarfing chocolate and practically oinking, for crying out loud.

::

I've decided it's time to really get in shape and lose those last twenty pounds. I will be 27 (27!!) in three months. This scares me on many levels, and while I know some of you are shaking your (older) fist at me for whining about turning twenty-something, let me remind you that I have issues involving getting older. Something about the number going up each year makes me want to grab my blankie and cling to my mommy for protection. Anyway, the question I finally asked myself is what the shit am I waiting for? Since I couldn't come up with a good answer, I decided that the time to kick ass is now.

I wrote a previous post about how counting calories makes me want to stab myself with a ballpoint pen, and this is true to a certain degree. I also know that I want to be in shape and lose this jiggle sooooo badly, as quickly as I can do it the right way. So, which do I want more? To not count calories and lose weight at a slower pace, or to do a little math and accelerate my mission:fatloss? For now I am willing to do the latter, and if it makes me too crazy I'll ease up and do the old Body For LIFE style of eating. I intend to post my diet on here on the days I blog, which is soooooo super boring but I'm going to do it anyway, because maybe one of my four readers (hi mom!) will find it mildly interesting. No? Ok then. Suck it up and read it anyway. (Thank you!) Or, stab yourself with a ballpoint pen.

When I've done Body For LIFE in the past, the free days are what got me. One day of eating as much as you want of whatever you want can quickly turn a way to satisfy your cravings into an all out binge. This does not work for me. I can undo six days' worth of calorie deficit with breakfast on "free day", no joke. Instead I am going to incorporate two free meals into each week, to use at my discretion.

I am also giving up alcohol. Not forever, but I like it a little too much and I'm positive that it's the reason for my recent 10-ish pound weight gain. I was probably consuming upwards of 400 calories worth of wine each night. Not only that, but when I get tipsy I tend to eat. I wish I could be one of those drunks who drink instead of eating, but it's just the opposite with me. (Of course it is!) So that's an easy calorie cut right there. I'll probably incorporate a few beers or a glass of wine into my free meals later on, but for now I am waving bu-bye to my beloved alcohol. Yesterday was the first day of this healthy lifestyle weight loss thing I'm doing, and it was also the first day in a while that I haven't had a drink. Last night I had a dream involving Danny Bonaduce. Clearly I am going through withdrawl.

The basis for this diet is Body For LIFE: several small meals throughout the day, each combining protein and carbohydrate. The main difference is that BFL doesn't require that you count calories, but doing so means you can eat a wider variety of foods (for example, peanut butter. It's not "allowed" on BFL but I love it so I'm working it in). I need to not feel like my food choices are limited to chicken, broccoli and rice. Or eggwhites and oatmeal.

I like to eat, and I tend to get bored easily. I have a love-hate relationship with the food monotony that tends to come with healthier eating habits. On one hand it's easy when you eat the same things day in and day out, but then you get to that point where you want to chuck your container of cottage cheese through the kitchen window and then maybe slit your wrists with the broken glass. I will not be forcing myself to eat anything I don't enjoy, and I am making it a rule to try one new recipe each week for dinner. I also know that unprocessed foods are much better for your body, but damn. I'm not at all against popping a frozen South Beach pizza in the microwave for convenience and variety's sake.

Exercise: two days of weight training and three days of cardio each week, period. Plain and simple. This is something I can keep up when I go back to work next year, so I'm thinking in terms of the long haul.

I am blogging about this mainly because that time will come when I'll think oh, man! Everyone else is eating cheetos! Waaaa! (Eating right is made much more difficult when you've got a husband who lives off of french fries, ranch dressing and Bud Light.) But I will stick with this, and posting about it makes me somewhat accountable. I want to be that girl who made the awesome transformation, not the girl who lost five pounds and then fell off the face of the planet into a tub of Crisco. I'll take pictures every 4 weeks, and I'll post my before photos and my progress pics on here. On the Internet. I have LOST. MY. MIND.

Yesterday's food:

1 South Beach wrap
coffee with 2 packets of splenda and 1/4 c. 1% milk

Egg salad wrap: 1 whole egg, 2 eggwhites, red onion, 1 T. lite mayo and mustard, all piled on romaine lettuce and rolled in a lo-carb whole wheat wrap (really tasty!)

1 Lean Pocket Ultra

1 white cheddar rice cake spread with 2 T. chunky peanut butter
black coffee with 2 packets splenda

broiled lean turkey patty, 1 serving homemade squash & sweet potato soup and steamed broccoli

Total calories: 1,395

Exercise: 30 minutes of step aerobics

Halloweenie

Ethan got more than his body weight in candy trick-or-treating last night. People were totally giving him two handfuls of candy instead of one, probably because he was just so darn cute and they knew that this was his very first Halloween. He so obviously didn't know what was going on and clung to me and D like a little spider monkey. The eye mask from his costume was a no-go, but I did manage to snap a few pictures with him wearing it. After that he just looked so pitiful; the eye holes were too small and they smushed his little eyes together like a charpe. Next year I think we're going to dress him up as Hugh Hefner. Heh, awesome.