Like fine wine and cheese...

I must remind myself that I am much like a fine wine, or a fantabulous cheese even. I get better and better with age. Granted I may just be trying to *trick* myself into believing that, but the more I say it the more I'll believe it and the sooner I'll quit annoying the piss out of anyone within earshot with my moans and groans about aging and how my birthday is exactly one week from this glorious day we call Monday. Not only am I turning 25 in one week, I'M TURNING 25 ON A MONDAY. Good freaking night. I guess I'll just show up to work that day with a fucking paper bag over my head.



It's Friday and I could not be happier. Whoever invented the 5-day work week should be shot. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I feel like a hamster on a wheel that never stops... Wake up, workout, shower, work, home, housework, sleep... wake up, shower, work, workout, home, housework, sleep. Throw eating in there a few times and there you go. My life. *sigh* What's worse, the speed of the wheel seems to be rapidly increasing, which reminds me that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I can do to stop my 25th birthday from happening. It's a mere 16 days away.

I am engaged to a hot, sexy, hilarious, and dangerously smart guy whose name shall remain undisclosed. Last night I asked him what name I should use when referring to him in my blog, and he said (brace yourselves): Cool Breeze

Yes, my fiance chose the "name" Cool Breeze. Take it or leave it, folks. It sounds like either a trashy stripper stage name OR a laundry detergent scent. Should I be worried?

Let me tell you about my most hated enemy. The TOILET. Yes, you know, the place where you "drop the kids off at the pool"? I am beginning to realize that I have a nerve wracking "fear" of toilets. In public restrooms, I am a MESS! Before entering, I must take a deep breath and work up courage to face the germs. Upon entering, I will not touch any doors with my hands or bare skin... either a paper towel barrier or my shoe will open any and all doors, if necessary. While strategically squatting over the pot, hovering AT LEAST 2 inches above it (thighs of STEEL I tell you!), I am just repulsed. As I look around the tainted stall, music from a bad horror movie begins to play in my head. Germs here, germs there... people are so dirty! When I'm done, if the toilet paper has touched the floor AT ALL, I will not wipe. I daintily "shake the dew off my lily" and carefully stand up, making sure not to touch ANYTHING. I have prefected the art of flushing with my foot (I do it quite gracefully, like a flamingo) and RARELY do I wash my hands. More often than not, the sink looks worse than the toilet. It's a crying shame. My idea of hell would be an endless sea of public restrooms and me HAVING to touch anything in them. *cringe, wince, shutter, gag*

So then what do I read in a health mag? That typically A KITCHEN SINK IS MORE GERMY THAN A TOILET! Great, now I have to figure out clever ways to never touch the sink, too. I should just invest in a body condom and move on.


These are a few of my favorite things...

Things I love:

1/When my oatmeal doesn't overflow in the microwave
2/Creme wafer cookies
3/Being alone at work
4/The color blurple
5/When the soda machine accepts my dollar (very rare)
6/Retro furniture
7/South Park
8/Calling in sick when I'm not
9/Finding money in the dryer
10/Improv comedy

And a few things I dislike:

1/Wrong numbers
2/Wool (ewww, it feels so gross make it stop!)
3/Getting someone else's mail
4/Long, long fingernails
5/Bostonian accents (sorry!)
7/When my dog eats his own poo (I know, I know)
8/Fucking reality t.v.
9/Planning my wedding (sometimes)
10/Men who scratch their crotches right in front of you without shame

Mr. Sandman

Sleep deprivation is like a drug. When my nightly date with Mr. Sandman doesn't last as long as it should, I always feel like I'm on something. I am fuzzy minded, careless, I think everything is funny, I can't remember my own name and sometimes my head feels like a balloon. I'm also very easily annoyed and I tend to squint a lot. I think I'm always sleep deprived to some degree, so bare with me if things don't make sense.

This being my first post, I tried to come up with something really cool and witty to say. I tried. Unsuccessfully. It's like when I was a kid in gradeschool... leave me alone in the back of the class and I know all the answers and come up with marvelously brilliant ideas that I keep to myself. Pick on me to answer the question and I freeze up, my mind draws a total blank and I feel my face get hot. It's as if my brain turns inside out and becomes completely useless. My brain turns to freaking ramen noodles. The kind in a cup, at that.

Hopefully I'll have something more entertaining and/or insightful to say tomorrow. Just don't put me on the spot.

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