Sunday...

I can't believe it's almost 2008. I'll be 28. That makes me slightly queasy.

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Ethan has been a total terrorist lately. He is Mr. Bossy McBossypants and it is really driving me nuts. "STOP SINGING!" he'll scream, as I quietly hum to the radio. "STAND UP!" he'll demand, as I collapse in a tired heap on the couch. He fully extends his arm and points his tiny finger at me when he says these things, and sometimes I half expect that a laser beam will emit from his fragile digit. Is he acting out because D and I were fighting the other night? Is he over or under-stimulated at daycare? Is he really the Antichrist? I chalk it all up to the terrible twos. Ethan will be 2 on Thursday, December 27th. Right on queue.

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The non-diet thing was great at first, then I obsessed over not dieting, which led me to binge a few times, which led me to feel like a failure at yet another food and body related distraction, and then... well, I don't know what happened. I just sort of stopped caring and snapped out of it. I work out. That hasn't changed. Weights for an hour twice a week, cardio as many times as I can fit it in, yoga if I need to chill. Sometimes I eat very healthy, sometimes I don't. It all depends on WHAT I FEEL LIKE. I continue to buy clothes that fit well, look good and make me feel good. I have learned to L-O-V-E my ass. Really and truly. I cherish that junk in my trunk. Of course there are still things I dislike (tricep jiggle, cellulite, saddlebags, the years later post-baby ab pooch that just won't quit), but I no longer hate any part of my body. That HATE is gone.

So, the mistake I made in the beginning was expecting to be "cured" after a month. Because if you've been doing the emotional eating thing all your life, or the diet/binge/diet/binge thing, you can't realistically expect that 2 books and a few weeks will break the cycle. It takes effort. You won't be perfect. You will slip and fall. But you need to fall. You make real progress when you fall and DON'T try to fix things with another diet. You make progress when you overeat at dinner one night and let it go. When you wake up the next morning and eat a bowl of Cheerios when you get hungry because that's what you want to eat, not eggwhites and oatmeal because that's what you THINK you should eat. It takes awhile for all that pressure to subside. It's almost easier to just keep dieting than it is to face the first few weeks of non-dieting. It's easier to continue the cycle of losing weight and then gaining it back (on a diet, off a diet, on a diet, off a diet) because it's so familiar, it's all you know. But I am telling you that once you get over that hurdle, once you let all your perfect body expectations go and focus on health and how you feel and what you truly enjoy (what you enjoy food-wise, exercise-wise, life-wise!), when you focus on what feels good, it's absolutely worth it. Getting your life back is worth it. Even if you have to start from scratch.

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D's family surprised us with a puppy last night. He is half rat terrier, half chihuahua. A rathuahua? It makes me sad to think that we've replaced Bogart. The thought of potty training both a toddler and a puppy makes me want to kill myself. But Ethan loves him and Drew adores him and dammit, I do too. But. BUT! If this dog start chewing things to shreds or using the living room rug as his personal porta-potty, he is out! I mean it. Does anyone have any puppy training advice? Book suggestions? Or should we just spike his water with Nyquil...

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You must. MUST! Absolutely must read Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It took me about 3 days to read it, all 315 pages, and for me that is nothing short of a miracle. I can hardly make time to check my email or blog or brush my teeth, let alone sit down to read a book. It's the kind of book that leaves you thinking about it hours after you've put it down. I highly recommend it.

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That's all I got.