Observations

I'm in my second week of non-dieting and here are a few things I have noticed:

• my pants are tighter and while this is uncomfortable, I'm ok with it. I rationalize that this is the result of, oh my, eating carbs again. I'm sure I've gained a few pounds but I'm avoiding the scale and my stress level is actually at an all-time low. I knew that dieting stressed me out, but I had no idea how much. A certain sense of urgency is gone because I am no longer revolving my life and everything that I do around meal timing and planning and food combining. I'm not a slave to any of it anymore.

• the feeling of hunger made me panic at first. Now I'm excited to get hungry because it means that I get to choose whatever I want to eat... and the possibilities are endless! This can be a little overwhelming and scary, though. After YEARS of being told what and when to eat, sometimes I feel lost in a sea of choice and I get cranky if I get too hungry. I'm learning to go with the flow and am trying my best to tune in to what my body really wants and what will satisfy me at that moment. It really does change from day to day and hour to hour. I'm finding the balance between being practical (i.e. bringing snacks to work in anticipation of hunger) but not feeling as though I HAVE to eat any specific thing at any specific time. I get hungry pretty regularly, but I'm trying hard not to eat by the clock (as I have been doing for YEARS) and am doing my best to let my hunger be my guide.

• I jiggle a bit more when I'm doing my cardio (which sucks, I cannot lie) but I have more energy than ever to workout, and now it's about health and FEELING good instead of losing weight. Because I'm no longer trying to lose weight, I had to shift my focus in that respect. It's hard to workout when there isn't some immediate goal or instant gratification (smaller clothes, feeling "skinny"), but I feel ten times better when I workout from an energy standpoint and I'm able to lift more/jump higher when I'm running on all 8 (well-fed) cylinders.

• it's tough to silence my inner nutrition Nazi... if I want a bowl of cereal with soy milk for breakfast, the first thing that pops into my head is oh, all those carbs! where's the protein? you're going to get sooooooooo fat! but then I tell that voice to suck it, pour a bowl and enjoy my meal. I'm paying very close attention to how different foods make me feel and I can already tell that eventually this will begin to guide my decisions on what to eat. Yes, an afternoon donut might seem like a tasty snack but it's not really worth it if you're in a carb coma thirty minutes later and hungry yet again.

• I do not function or feel well on a carb-only meal. I need protein.

• Geneen Roth's Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating is what I'm currently reading. I've read it before but I was nowhere near ready to actually "break free" until now. Overcoming Overeating is next on my list. I didn't think that Breaking Free would really apply to me, but thirty pages in and I swear she wrote the book just for me.

• Eating what you want is scary after years of dieting. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I miss the convenience of knowing what and when I'll eat. A few times this past week I thought fuck this, I'm going back to dieting but I know what will happen if I do. I'll start out strong and after about 2 days you'd find me holding an ice cream truck hostage. I can't go back, and I won't.

• Surprisingly, most of the time I don't want to eat crap. For dinner I had a big salad with spinach, red pepper, tomato, a little cheddar cheese, some fajita-seasoned chicken that I cooked over the weekend, some organic jalapeno-laced refried black beans and light ranch dressing. It was absolutely delicious. I crave mostly healthy foods and spreading unmeasured almond butter on a whole wheat english muffin in the morning is most liberating. Having some cream in my coffee is heaven. Knowing that if I get hungry I can eat is the very best feeling. It's true: when you know you can have whatever you want whenever you are hungry, you don't need to eat it all now. It's a very strange feeling to eat something most would deem "bad" (ice cream, cookies, pie) and not feel an ounce of guilt, and to know that I don't have to starve myself the next meal or the next day. It's a very strange and wonderful feeling indeed.

• I'm starting to look to kitchen goddesses like Rachael Ray (don't laugh, hear me out, I know she's as annoying as a mosquito flying around your ear when you're trying to sleep) and Nigella Lawson (who is just plain delicious, yum) for inspiration. Real, curvy women who love life and good food. For lunch today I had a panini from Whole Foods: turkey, brie, mixed greens and fig chutney on focaccia bread. Divine. For the last several months I have eaten my bland mini-meals dreaming of the next one, counting down the minutes until I "get to" have another helping of cottage cheese and carrot sticks or a scoop of whey protein mixed with water (talk about gourmet!). You're damn skippy that after that panini today I didn't think about food much until I was actually hungry again. It's nice to think about things other than food. I knew I was preoccupied with food before, but I never really realized how much until now. With all the energy and brain power I put into meal planning and calorie counting throughout the years I swear I could have developed a cure for cancer or cloned my dog using some twine and a cheap lighter. What a waste.

• Non-dieting, to me anyway, does not mean eat whatever you want whenever you want it... it means eat whatever you want when you are hungry. I have overeaten a few times since swearing off dieting, but that's to be expected from time to time. I'm confident that soon I'll recognize my perfect fullness/satisfaction point and stop eating accordingly. For the first time in my life I am able to wrap up food I can't finish and save it for later... I'm no longer a member of the clean-your-plate club.

• I have a little money set aside for a well-deserved shopping spree. I vow to only buy clothes that look good, fit well and make me feel like a million bucks. No sulking over the size, no poking and prodding at my ample thighs... confidence, baby, that's where it's at. I am no longer going to put off shopping until I lose ten pounds, or whatever. I'd rather look hot in a size 8 or 10 or even a 12 (!!!) and be able to eat dessert than look miserable and ho-hum at a size 6 or 4 while I resent everyone around me for eating fucking dessert. My gawd, why couldn't I have come to my senses over this ages ago? It's my mission to change the world and the way women live their lives. Not everyone is as batshit crazy as I am, but I'm sure I'm not the only fruitloop in the box, am I right? Ladies? Put some full-fat ranch on your salad. Have that slice of cheesecake. Then go for a walk and kiss your loved ones and dance around your house in your underwear. Life is good.

• This is going to be a long process but I can already tell that it's going to be SO FREAKING WORTH IT. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be happy. Happy and healthy. My smile is already a million times wider and brighter than before. My mood is much more pleasant. I like myself better when I'm not dieting. I suspect everyone else does, too. Who knew that you could love life and have cellulite?