Reflections
Reflections? Come on, right? Really, though. I'm not kidding. Guess what I realized this week? Guess what finally occured to me? That just because I've acted a certain way all of my life, for as long as I can remember, does NOT mean that I have to be that way forever. No shit! Who knew?
I don't really know where to start. I think I need a little bit more time. The thing is, I sometimes talk about having suffered from an eating disorder years ago. That's true. It was bad. But the truth? The hard, cold truth? Is that I've suffered from an eating disorder ALL my life. There was a brief period in middle school when I think my relationship with food and my body were fairly decent, on speaking terms anyway, but that didn't last very long. All of my life I have either eaten too much to numb out, eaten too little to feel in control, binged when I felt out of control, counted calories to distract myself from my real problems... and I no longer count cellulite or my post-baby pooch as a real problem. Not anymore. This is something new, something very unfamiliar to me. It's scary. But I SIMPLY.DO NOT.HAVE IT IN ME.TO DIET.ONE.MORE.SECOND.OF.THIS.LIFE.
Too all my peeps: would you still love me if I were 5 pounds heavier? 10? 20 pounds heavier? How about 10 pounds lighter. Anyone who matters will answer yes, yes, yes, yes! Of course you silly wench! THAT IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU ALL ALONG!
Oh.
Dieting has been my hobby for nearly 20 years. I'm only 27. How very, very sad. So much time wasted. So much energy spent planning my next diet or planning my next "challenge". Telling myself that I'll take that class/decorate the house/get a raise/be a better mom/be HAPPY when I'm 5, 10, 15 pounds lighter, like LIVING doesn't really start until I'm a size 6 or less.
The cycle as of late has been: diet. Binge. diet. Binge more. diet (gagging down my egg white omelet at this point). Binge until I pass out in a literal carb coma. The red flag? The binging. I'm telling you, when I binge I am not in control. Nothing can stop me. Something is not right when I feel free only while shoveling cheese puffs into my mouth at the speed of light, behind my own back. Something is wrong when I am on my fourth bowl of cereal and I don't even taste it because I'm thinking about what I get to eat next. Better eat it now before tomorrow comes and egg whites it is!
So. I'm working on it. I might gain some weight. I'm ok with that. I might lose some weight, if it stops my binging dead in it's tracks. I might stay right where I'm at. Weight is no longer the issue. I'll probably always want thinner thighs. I'm a woman, a woman who lives in a cruel and ridiculous society where Britney Spears pumping gas makes headline news and t.v. commercials alternate between the latest diet drug and the latest double-triple-McWhopper combo meal at your nearest fast food joint. What a clusterfuck.
I'm out.
posted by Sara @ 6:49 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
i could just cheer and/or burst into tears reading this wonderful entry... i really relate to that feeling about dieting all your life and not being able to stand it another second. i had a similar revelation earlier this year and it is has been terrifying and exhilarating to let go but sooo worth it. HUGE high fives and hugs for ya :)
I relate to everything you've said in your blog entry.
Your comment on the "life doesn't start until size 6" (paraphrasing)
really spoke to me.
I always thought that I couldn't do anything until I had the perfect body. That was the answer to everything!
I realized, just like you have that it was a distraction from addressing some things I was ignoring.
I stopped growing spiritually and as a person and my only interest was food prep, workouts, macros.
You know I used to have hobbies? Friends?
It was killing my marriage. Who wants a wife who cries over eating white rice v. brown for 1 meal?
I'm still recovering from an ED and I truly believe it happened for a reason.
I've had to let things go. I'm trying IE again and if it means I gain, I gain. My body and mind need to heal.
So do yours. Be kind to yourself. It's easier said than done,trust me. I have my moments.
You'll figure it out and things will be better, but the answer is not in Precision Nutrition or BFL or XYZ.
You have a great family, a kick ass blog, and so many things going for you!
It's hard, I'm taking it one meal at a time... but I'm only a week in and I already believe it will be worth it. The little taste of life I've experienced the last several days has been sweeter than the sweetest sweet. (Huh?) :) Me and Ethan met a friend for lunch and gelato at Whole Foods today. I ordered the smallest size gelato because it was enough. IT WAS ENOUGH! Up until now it has NEVER been enough. What a wonderful, delicious fucking feeling.
Good for you!
Baby steps, girl baby steps.
It's a process and that's something I have to remember MYSELF. I've been dieting since I was, oh, 13 so 20 years of living life around obtaining perfect legs is not going to change overnight.
But it will.
Yay for you!
Since I'm dealing with the same issues you are, I had to come back and ask.
What the hell else do we do/think about now?
I've spent my whole life, except for a brief period (first few years with the DH) not obsessing about my weight.
It's almost like "What now?"
I know it's been a crutch, and excuse, a cure all, but I'm almost afraid?
Am I making sense?
I feel brave though. Like my "rebel self" is coming back.
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