Gah!

I have SO MUCH to say but there's just never enough tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. I'm having lots of ah HA! moments that end with well, I have to blog about THAT!, but then time ticks by and I forget and actually feel guilty, because I really want to get all of these thoughts and observations and revelations in writing as they come. I don't get a ton of comments on here, but a few of you have talked about being able to relate to what I'm going through, and some of you WANT to go through what I'm going through but are too afraid or don't quite know where to begin. I was there 1 month ago. I can't believe how much has changed in 1 month.



I'm going out of town for business tomorrow morning, and not once have I felt that old pang of fear and anxiety that my eating is sure to spin out of control. Not once have I considered packing tins of tuna and barfy protein bars to choke down while everyone else enjoys good, wholesome, satisfying food. Not once have I stressed about missing a workout, because I know the world won't end if I go two days without exercising. For the love of God, why couldn't I flip the crazy switch to OFF years ago? I'm trying hard not to sulk about the first two decades of my life having been wasted by dieting, and I have to conclude that I just wasn't ready before. I couldn't wrap my head around anything but 6 small protein and carb balanced meals each day, couldn't fathom going more than a day without working out, because of everything I'd read and heard and sworn as TRUTH for years and years and years. I also didn't see very many Saturday nights that weren't spent binging on all the things I thought I wanted throughout the week but would never actually give myself permission to eat. I ate all those things behind my own back.

The last 8 (maybe even more) Halloweens have ended with me completely sick to my stomach from gorging on all that damn candy. I would eat and eat and eat and eat and EAT it, storing up for when I couldn't eat it, for the times when I wouldn't let myself eat it. This Halloween was completely different. I wasn't excited about the candy. I had 3 fun size treats and then forgot that we even had all that candy in the house. I'll grab a piece every once in awhile, but the candy sits on our counter in a big bowl, unnoticed for the most part. That is nice. A great feeling. That old internal struggle is gone. It's not me vs. the chocolate anymore. We're friends now, actually.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have it completely together. I expect that this will be a long process. The Breaking Free book is broken down into steps that you can take to "break free" from dieting, and I'm taking it one step at a time, one meal at a time. I still overeat sometimes. Last night, on our way home from a long party where the wine flowed nonstop, we decided to do a good old-fashioned drunken fast food run. Taco Bell. I ordered a big burrito and ate the entire thing, and then had a few bites of my husband's leftover gordita. When we got home I ate the remaining four bites from my weeks old carton of Ben & Jerry's, and several pieces of Halloween candy. That sounds like a lot of food and I was pretty full afterwards, but this wasn't a binge. It was different in a lot of ways. True, it was more calories than my body needed. I could have stopped 3/4 of the way through the burrito and been satisfied. I chose to continue snacking. I wasn't eating out of fear that I could never have Taco Bell again. There was no eating behind my own back. I was fully aware of what I was doing. I ate my food calmly, sitting down, not frantically stomping around the kitchen rummaging for the next bingeable. Another difference is that I stopped myself, told myself that hello, I can eat Halloween candy or Taco Bell for breakfast if that's what I really want, so there's no need to eat it all now. I grabbed a bottle of water, brushed my teeth and went to bed. The final and most important difference was that I knew there would be no deprivation tomorrow. No "punishment" for eating too much, no "death by eggwhites". I got up this morning, did some cardio, showered, and then ate a bowl of granola when I got hungry. I'll learn from last night. I'll remember it for next time, if that makes any sense. It makes sense to me.

There are 3 main steps to "breaking free" (I hate saying that, hate typing it, it sounds so touchy-feely and lame, but it's really the only way to put it): eat when you're hungry, eat only what you want (which means that nothing is off-limits), and stop eating when your body has had enough. I've started eating when I am hungry, instead of by the clock. I have that one down. I thought I'd NEVER break that habit. I love eating and then moving on to the next thing, and then being reminded to eat again by my growling belly, not because it's 2 p.m. and time for my cup of cottage cheese and carefully measured tablespoon of peanut butter. Ick. I can't imagine ever going back to that. I've also started eating only what I truly want to eat. This can be tricky but it's fun. Nothing is off limits and I'm sort of rediscovering what foods I love and which I don't. Right now I'm focusing on a sort of mental hunger scale, trying to find the perfect point at which to stop eating. I don't like leaving the table feeling too full, but I don't like to still be hungry, either. I think that the "perfect point" is different for everyone, so I'm exploring that. I'm working on stopping when my body has had enough, instead of when my taste buds have had enough. I think natural weight loss occurs when you get this part down. Of course it's probably going to be the most difficult part of this whole deal, but that's ok. Since I'm not doing this to lose weight, there's no pressure. I just want to feel good and enjoy food.

This all probably sounds incredibly basic to most people, to people who haven't suffered from eating disorders or struggled with their weight. But I'm telling you that for me, for someone who has suffered from multiple eating disorders and has struggled with her weight her entire life, this is necessary. It's therapy. It's self-discovery. I'm enjoying the journey very much. I feel like myself again. I'm happier all around. I haven't binged in 1 month. THAT is amazing.

Above all of this, above everything I have said here, the absolute most important thing to work on and to remember is that your self-worth, your success and happiness in life, they are not determined by your weight or your body fat percentage or your clothing size. I had to make peace with my body, every last inch of it, even the jiggly bits and saggy bits and dimpled bits, to get my head in gear and not be miserable anymore. That has been an ongoing process and I still have fat days, I'll probably always have fat days. But I get over it and I don't let those days drive me to start planning yet another diet. Instead I'll paint my toes or go for a walk or read and sip a cup of coffee or take a nap. It's all about self love and taking care of yourself.