Anxiety

Man. Today I'm sick. I've got that peanut-butter-stuffy-nose thing going on, where it shifts from nostril to nostril. I hate the way sinus pressure makes your head just hurt. I feel like I'm underwater. My throat is sore, too. I'm resting today and hoping that this will be the worst of it. Ethan has had a horrible chest cough since Monday, and now he's got a runny nose. I am pretty sure that I'll end up with the same cough. That's just the way it goes.

D has been sleeping on the couch to stay as germ-free as possible, since we really don't want the working man to catch this crud. I'm sure his smoking and drinking will lend his immune system a helping hand in fighting off any threats, donchathink? I know when I want to feel my very best I toss a few shots of vodka down the hatch and smoke at least a pack of Camels. It works every time. Cheers to good health!

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Drew just texted me to say that his boss, our landlord, will be putting the house we're living in on the market in the next few weeks. We rent a tiny wooden house from him that I hated at first but have learned to love. Our backyard is a huge sugarcane field, we're in the middle of nowhere, our neighbors are great and rent is super cheap. It's only obviously only temporary, but I thought temporary meant like two years. We were going to stay here for a year after I went back to work and pay off some debt and our cars. Now, at worst, we will have to move within the next three months. I realize it takes forever for houses to sell, particularly when they look like they were in the movie The Wizard of Oz, but still. Me going back to work + sticking Ethan in daycare + the mere thought of moving = ANXIETY. Plus, I'm sick, and everything sucks so much harder when I'm sick. I'm sure the skies will be blue again when I start to feel better. Besides, we can knock out moving in a weekend, we can move somewhere with more room, re-decorate (which I love doing!), buy new furniture (again) and start fresh. Looking on the bright side is not something that comes naturally to me. But anyone who's read even one post in this blog probably already knows that. I don't call it pessimism, I call it being realistic. Aren't I kind of young to be so jaded?

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Ethan pulled the same biting crap last night. He nursed heartily in the morning and again in the afternoon, but when it came time for his evening session he looked up at me, right into my eyes, and bit. Hard. He was totally trying to get a reaction. I finally decided to ignore the pain and pretend it didn't hurt, but then he pulled away and fussed because his plan to make me cry failed, I guess. If he is starting to nurse for reasons other than to nourish his stinky ass, it's time to wean. If I cradle him and unsnap my bra and instead of thinking thank gawd, I'm simply famished, kind mother, let me guzzle thy carefully manufactured boob juice! he thinks haha, now's my chance to chew her nipple like a piece of Trident, it's time to fucking wean. I'll get serious about it when he's feeling better.

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Today marks the end of 4 weeks into my get-healthy-and-totally-kick-ass lifestyle change. I will take pictures. I was going through the 4-week freakout on Monday, but I'm ok now. I train hard and eat right and the results I crave are kind of inevitable. My diet could always use tweaking, but right now I'm not willing to give up caffeine or carbonation and I am really enjoying my food. I've been toying with the idea of limiting processed carbs to post-workout meals only, but I honestly don't think I'm ready for all that. I've lost weight, have visible muscle going on, and am really quite happy with my results so far. I am headed in the right direction for sure. It's only been a month for cryin' out loud, and naturally I am impatient and want it now, I want to be lean and fit and ripped noooooooow. But that's human nature I suppose. I think this is probably the point where the initial excitement wears off and most people give up. Just gotta keep on trucking. If this is for life there's no sense in going nuts at the start.

Food Yesterday

1/3 c. (dry) oats with 1 c. lo-fat cottage cheese, Splenda and cinnamon
coffee and Splenda

shake:
1 c. frozen strawberries
1 c. 1% milk
2 pkts. Splenda
splash of water
1 scoop chocolate whey protein
ice

more coffee with Splenda

a few handfuls of spinach, red onion, 1/4 avocado and 3 oz. salmon with 2 T. lite ceasar dressing
green tea

pear
2 lite string cheese

1 serving Florentine Chicken a la Pesto
steamed cauliflower and extra spinach (man, I ate a TON of spinach yesterday!)
green tea

stick-o-sugarless gum

Total cals: 1,440

Workout: Power Hour (I'm starting Maximum Intensity Strength on Saturday, WHOOt!)