Rx

My stress level is getting to the point that it totally ruins our Sundays, the only day my husband has off. It's our family day, but I can't seem to stop nagging him about everything. Look at these crumbs all over the couch! Ah, man... do you have mud on your shoes? Can you pleeeeeease take out the trash? You spilled spaghetti on the table. Please don't get peanut butter everywhere. Everything you come in contact with turns to shiiiiiiit and I have to clean it uuuuuuuuup!

I am a nightmare sometimes, a real pill. Part of me thinks it's because this is my territory, my job is to clean the house and keep it nice and in order, it's my identity these days, and he tears through in the evenings and on his day off like the fucking Tazmanian devil. I'm a clean-up-as-you-go or as soon as you are finished girl and always have been. My husband has more of an if-not-now-than-maybe-next-week ADHD style of doing things. Our styles do not mesh well. He could certainly pay a bit more attention to detail, but man... I need to chill the fuck out. I guess when my life feels out of control and uncertain, I immediately tend to grab onto whatever I can and rule it like there's no tomorrow. When my dad was sick with cancer, I got so strict with my diet and (over)exercising that I wound up in therapy, a doctor's call away from being hospitalized for malnutrition. Since I've felt hopelessly hopeless the last month or so, bored to tears and needing more to my life than diaper changing, VH1 and Windex All-Purpose spray, I've really turned into a no-fun life-sucks don't-be-surprised-if-you-come-home-and-find-me-dead housewife. And I hate it. I hate the way I am sometimes, a lot of the time. This has gotten significantly worse the last few weeks, since I gave up drinking for the most part. If I don't have my entire bottle of Merlot to look forward to at the end of the day, then what? Who will save my soul?

It was smart to give up drinking and perhaps eating too much to deal with these unpleasant feelings. I'm on my way to a better version of myself, the best possible version of me, but not without consequence. Not having your usual coping mechanism forces you to face your issues head on, and that sucks. It was time to make some changes, it's just too bad that those changes turned me into a momentary Wicked Witch of the Bayou. I guess I've learned a lot about myself in the months I've stayed home with Ethan, and in the end that will be a good thing. I never ever ever imagined things would be like this.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my son and cherish this time with him. I will absolutely miss it when it's gone, no doubt. We have fun during the day, we have a nicely laid out schedule complete with naps and going out and taking walks and story time and just sprawling on the floor acting silly. It's just sad that when we're in the produce section at Wal-Mart, for instance, and someone so much as looks my way I totally start humping their leg because I am so very desperate for adult interaction, hi how are you would you like to stay awhile and help me find a ripe cantaloupe please be my friiiiiiiiend.

I owe my husband a big fat I AM SO SORRY blowjob for acting the way I did yesterday. It's not his fault that I'm like this, but all I can seem to do is take everything out on him and the toothpaste marks he left on the faucet in our bathroom. He'll never understand how I feel unless he actually goes through it himself. He still hears me saying "I'd give anything to be able to stay home with Ethan for the first year, anything!" and I am so grateful that he made it happen. I need to let him know.

Food yesterday:

Healthy french toast with sugar free syrup
black coffee with Splenda

1 pear
2 lite string cheese

egg-salad (made with lite mayo, 1 whole egg and 2 whites) with onion and romaine on a lo-carb whole wheat flatbread

1 mini Met-Rx protein plus bar
black coffee with Splenda and 1/4 c. 1% milk

diet coke
5 oz. whitefish filet with lemon pepper and garlic
1 small sweet potato with 1 T. trans-fat free margarine
steamed mixed veggies (asparagus stir-fry blend)

1 oz. lightly salted mixed nuts

Total cals: 1,510

Workout: Active rest day, though I nagged so much yesterday that it felt as though I'd ran a marathon