Panic!
After a little junk t.v. watching with the husband last night I snuggled up to my Jimmy Falon pillow in hopes of a good night's sleep. I don't know if it was the cup of black coffee I had before dinner or what, because caffeine usually doesn't totally crack me out, but the minute I found a comfortable sleeping position my eyes shot WIDE open and my mind began to race. For nearly an hour, the same thoughts came rolling in and out of my brain, sending me into a crazily horrific panic:
What if my job wants me to work overtime and I can't pick Ethan up? I want to pick him up every day! How will E handle the adjustment of being one-on-one with me every day for a year to being left with some practical stranger and a bunch of other strange snot-nosed toddlers? Will he freak? Will he manage? Will he adjust? Will he hate me because of it? Will the daycare think it's weird that I want to come sit in there with E for an hour or so to get him used to it? Is that a good idea? I don't know if I can do it. I will cry at my new job! The job I don't even HAVE yet... what if I don't get a good job? What if I can't find any cute work clothes? What if my car explodes the first day of work? We only have one car seat, what if D has to pick E up one day and the car seat is in my car?
Me: Pssst. Psssssst. Hey, I can't sleep.
D: Well keep trying baby. (rolls over)
Me: Everything will be great, right? Everything will work itself out, right?
D: Yeah, what are you talking about?
Me: I mean, with Ethan and daycare and me going back to work and stuff. How will he adjust?
D: He'll do fine babe, everything will be great. He's smart.
Me: What does SMART have to do with it?
D: He's smart, he'll adjust and enjoy it. (begins to snore)
Me: (crosses arms in a worried huff)
I've had these thoughts before many times, long before we knew when I was going back to work and then again when we were actually trying to find an acceptable daycare facility. Once we found a place we liked, once we signed E up for February 2007 and paid the fee to hold his place and made a couple of visits to the center, I started to feel really good about it. In the meantime I'm going so batshit crazy with my own identity crisis that I kind of forgot that such a scary, SCARY thing is going to happen in a few months... As much as I complain about staying home and doing all the shit work and my husband is a pig and I'm just going to drink some bleach already, I don't want to be away from my baby. I really, really, really don't. I know we'll make it through. I know everything will be fine. Lots of parents work, and their kids are happy and healthy in a daycare with fun activities and friends and learning... it'll be good for him. Right? I can't have this panic go on until February. It'll eat me alive.
::
Needless to say I didn't fall asleep until 11:30 or so, and E woke up at 5 a.m., so I'm running on 5-ish hours of sleep. I maaaaaaade myself workout this morning, which I should totally get a medal for. Or at least a round of applause? Because I could've napped on the couch while Ethan played in his Exersaucer for a short while, but instead I put on my sneakers and threw myself around our living room until I was red-faced and sweaty for a good twenty minutes. Now excuse me while I go chug an entire pot of coffee.
Yesterday's Food
Healthy Protein French Toast with sugar free syrup
black coffee with Splenda
Choco-peanut butter-banana protein shake
green tea
egg salad wrap in a lo-carb whole wheat flatbread
1 small apple
2 lite string cheese
black coffee with Splenda
broiled lean beef patty with a slice of 2% cheese and ketchup
eight million pounds of steamed broccoli
(Cheat Meal)
1 Reese's big cup
1 regular-size Kit Kat
1 c. 1% milk
Total cals: 1,880
Workout: Power Hour
posted by Sara @ 5:08 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Hey you,
me again. I keep popping up on your blog. Is that annoying?
Once again, I felt like I needed to say that I so completely identify with this feeling. Ugh. I remember it so well after reading your post. For me, it came & went for the weeks before going back to work. I worried and worried and fretted over every possible scenario.
One thing that I've learned to do (which I am NOT good at, but have to force myself to do) is trust that everything will work out. Nothing goes as planned. But somehow things work out okay anyhow. I have been forced, kicking and screaming, to learn to be flexible. It sucks, but it definitely gets easier. Also, I take lots and lots of deep breaths throughout the day.
You will probably like returning to work once everyone adjusts. Like everything else, it has it's good & bad points, but hey: you can use the bathroom without someone having a complete meltdown on the other side of the door. Bonus!
Things will be FINE (god, isn't that annoying to hear from a total stranger?). Probably not anything like you expect, but fine. Hang in there!
I got all teary reading your post. I remember having all those same feelings SO well...and it was 18 YEARS AGO! Somehow my baby grew up into an independent, self-reliant, well-adjusted young man. Even if I do still want to slap him at times.
Can't say anything to make you feel better, exceptto agree with Erin: It'll be FINE. You just have to live through the first few days.
OMG, I have the same thing and I don't even have a baby! Unless you count two businesses.. one fledgling and one troubled! I decided last week to continue my degree and signed up for a paper. Since then I've been lying awake thinking... how am I gonna fit that in?, when will I do the housework? when will I finish the Sana site? I'm neglecting Jase, perhaps he'll leave me! you know...
Then in the morning I realise I'm just being a nut and that one day I'll be old and then die and what does it all matter really?
Might as well have fun. If I fail it doesn't matter. :O)
And *round of applause* for the workout this morning!
Also *punching the air with pom poms and then flash my boobs at ya*.
Seen it on TV. Isn't that what Americans do to appreciate effort?
hey blog twin...this is too funny...
i started a blog yesterday, mostly as a way to comment on other people's stuff...and i just found you through Skwigg.
my name is also Sarah, and we seem to have a lot in common. (Well, except for the smoking part) :)
anyway.
take care!
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