Mommy Muscles

Those of you that know me well know that I've had some major ups and downs with my weight through the years. At 19 I got into working out and read up on nutrition and decided to quit smoking pot and cigarettes and slowly replaced my nicotine addiction with an insane obsession with food and being thin. At the time I called it "being fit", but in retrospect my whole world revolved around being skinny. At 5'5" I went from 145 pounds down to 88. I could've toned up at 145 pounds and looked fantastic. Instead I crept into a very dark, scary, lonely place that noone understood, not even myself. Even more frightening was that I didn't know how to get out. It took a year or so of nutrition therapy for me to finally even begin to snap out of it, and even then my weight hovered at around 103 pounds. Underweight for my height and frame, not at all appealing or healthy. I actually had trouble gaining weight, and it was completely mental. I simply could not eat more and workout less.

I'm not quite sure what happened exactly, but suddenly I was knee deep in everything I hadn't let myself have for those 4 years... chocolate, fried foods, pizza, cheese, red meat, sweets... did I mention chocolate? Each day I would wake up and think of what I would eat. My anorexia went upside down and turned into binge eating. This is an even worse place to be. Nothing is more horrifying than wanting to eat the world, to never feel like you've had enough. It makes sense... most people diet for a week or a month and then ultimately find themselves head first in a vat of ice cream or surrounded by a sea of empty candy bar wrappers. What happened to me was the same in that sense, only on a much larger scale. My "diet" had lasted 3 or so years and my night of indulgence to make up for the deprivation lasted for almost a year. In that time I went from 103 pounds to 203 pounds. I gained 100 pounds in less than a year.

As the fun of eating total crap began to wear off and I got myself under control, the weight began to come off. I settled at around 185 pounds, which was still heavy for my height, so I knew I needed to take action to shed some poundage without going to the extremes I'd gone to before. Before: when I was at a normal and healthy weight. I look back now and think fuckin' A, man. I totally tried to fix something that wasn't broken. And instead of slowly tinkering under the hood I took a sledgehammer to my entire body. I really fucked myself up. But I digress...

I tried Atkins, then began following the Body For LIFE way of eating and exercising and lost another 20 pounds. I was still thick but much better, on my way, getting there. Then I got pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy I continued working out and tried my very hardest to eat well. I gained a total of 30 pounds and lost 20 of them after the delivery. I began walking and half-assedly lifting weights at about 6 weeks postpartum and shed another 10 pounds. Breastfeeding burned off yet another 10, leaving me at around 145 pounds. Right back where I started.

Oh human nature, isn't it wonderful: shit, if I'm at 145 now, think of what would happen if I cut out bread! Yes! And sugar! Horray! I'll only eat eggwhites and frozen South Beach meals. Let's totally deprive deprive deprive once again because it worked so well before. Right. Guess what happened next? I would go days eating way less than I should have, counting calories and generally making myself crazy. Naturally this led me to a day where I'd eat everything in sight, raiding my husbands junkfood, left feeling guilty, unattractive and hating life.

Finally I read this book and decided to just let my body be my guide. I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, with the exception that I had to be truly hungry to eat and would stop when I began to feel satisfied, not full. Much easier said than done. I haven't always been perfect with it, but it has shown me that eating what I want won't make me gain a trillion pounds. In all honesty I've never eaten this way. I'd always been following someone else's rules or eating by the clock instead of by my hunger. You go so long ignoring your body's cues and you forget that they are even there, and there for a reason.

I have found that I do prefer eating healthy most of the time. I like the way my body feels when I feed it whole wheat pasta instead of white, and I happen to like the taste of it much better, too. I like my veggies steamed with a little butter, garlic, salt and pepper, not swimming in a creamy, cheesy sauce. I'm finding that I naturally veer towards things that are good for me, partly because I know they're good for me and partly because I feel good eating them, they feel good in my body. Red wine is my drink of choice, and I love dark chocolate. I still overeat from time to time, and I have a tendency to eat when I'm bored or anxious. I'm still working on that. I love greasy burgers, full-fat ice cream and my mother-in-law's shrimp etouffee. But I am, for the first time in my whole life, getting to a good place with food. Getting to where I actually trust my body. I've finally broken free from the dieting deprive-binge-deprive-binge cycle that has consumed me for most of my life, the hell that has hung over me for 14 years. I will never, ever go back. The minute I even consider counting a calorie or measuring out a cup of cereal I immediately want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon and/or eat an entire canister of chocolate icing. I'm not kidding.

My weight has now seemed to settle at around 150 pounds. Thick for my height, but I wouldn't call myself fat. I'm curvy and was blessed with an hour-glass figure. Full hips and thighs, small(er) waist, huge tits. I've always been well proportioned. But along with that comes cellulite, stretch marks, basically just paying my dues for being a woman. Having a baby left me with a whole new respect for my body, but I still jiggle where I wish I was jiggle-free. I want tone where there is none. I simply want to be the best possible version of myself. Since I've found my happy place as far as eating goes, I figured it was time to take things up a notch with exercise. I know that a dedicated, consistent and challenging exercise routine can do wonders. I crave visible arms muscles. A tighter ass. To be able to do a dozen regular pushups without flinching.

What made me finally decide to take the plunge and get serious with my workouts was this blog, this blog, and this website. The blogs are amazing. I sent Skwigg an email yesterday and within a few hours she'd written me back. I can relate to her on several levels, and it was all I needed to convince myself that I CAN DO THIS. The second blogger and Cathe have kids, people! I own about 10 of Cathe's videos, and she does not play around. I love that. I love women that aren't afraid of weights, heavy weights. Women that aren't afraid to be strong and who want to show it.

Ok, so short of sounding like a lesbian-in-the-making, I am ready. I've commited to doing one of Cathe's weight videos twice a week, called Power Hour. It's a full hour of total-body weight lifting that "leaves no muscle untouched" and fuck me, that's no lie. I did it this morning and to feel every muscle in your entire body burn and shake and cry out was amazing. To seriously push yourself to your limit is so satisfying. I felt like a million bucks afterward. I've got a handful of her other weight vids, and I plan on switching things up after 4 weeks, moving from Power Hour to Leaner Legs and CTX Upper Body, then probably to her Slow & Heavy series for a three-day split. I am also committing to at least 2 of her tougher cardio tapes each week. I own a Step, several dumbbells, a Firm padded barbell with various weight plates, a jump rope and every workout video under the sun. Now I'm ready to make the most of it.

I don't expect dramatic overnight results from this, but I do expect to get out of it what I put in. A little less ice cream at night plus pushing myself hard at each and every workout will most definitely yield some changes. One glass of red wine each night instead of the usual two plus kicking my own ass 4 or 5 mornings a week certainly won't do me wrong. I am excited to see what happens. I will say that after lifting so intensely this morning I felt really confident. I had more pep in my step at the store this afternoon. Those are reason enough to keep going, at least until I see some measurable results. I do believe that not having the back of your arm wave in the opposite direction of your hand is also a good excuse to keep on truckin'. It's not at the top of my list, but it's certainly in the back of my mind. Things will be different this time and I am so excited to finally get it right, to do this the right way.