Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I'm feeling extremely anxious lately. I've gone a little crazy staying at home with Ethan all day long, yearning for adult interaction and wishing there was more to my life than changing diapers. Where we live, if you want to go out, you really have to go out. Grocery shopping is a twenty minute drive one way, so for me to take Ethan to do something as simple as walk around the mall is really an investment. Not just in time but in gas, too.

Anyway, in February I plan on going back to work. I am extremely excited. You mean I'll get to talk to grown-ups EVERYDAY? And get paid for it? Sweet. On the other hand, holy shit. While we found an excellent daycare for Ethan that I feel really good about, I'll be separated from my baby for the first time in.... really, for the first time ever. Aside from the very occasional Saturday night out with D while a babysitter sits in our house and watches t.v. and eats our food (what a fabulous-sounding gig, eh?), I have never been away from Ethan for more than 3 or 4 hours, tops. Breastfeeding puts a pretty tight leash on these things, and I have been so totally ok with that all this time. Even in my worst moments where all I wanted was to get the fuck out of the house and not have to tote a cranky teething pooping biting baby with me, after an hour or so without him, I miss him... achingly so.

Late December/early January will consist of the following:

• weaning Ethan completely from the boob to whole cow's milk
• purchasing a new work wardrobe
• interviewing with potential employers
• doing a dry run or twelve at Ethan's daycare center
• generally losing my fucking mind

I was going to write about how I worry that Ethan will have a harder time adjusting than myself, but I just don't think that will happen. Unless he suddenly goes into severe separation anxiety mode, I really think he'll welcome these changes whole-heartedly. He is such a people person, such a happy baby all around. (If I didn't remember pushing him out of my vagina I would totally ask for a maternity test, because how could this perfect little soul possibly be from me?) Okay, naturally I worry that he will have a hard time adjusting, and maybe (just maybe) I secretly want him to show at least a little bit of resistance to it all. For, like... a day. Or a week or something. I mean FUCK! He'll miss me, right?

So that is what's on my mind lately. For Christmas I am getting: hormones (from the weaning), anxiety (from not knowing how the hell to achieve a work-child-marriage balance just yet), excitement (because yay I am going back to a job that doesn't require diaper changing!) and, of course, fear (of the unknown). Life-changes can be terrifying.

The good news: no more breastfeeding means I can totally pick up my crack-cocaine habit again. Finally!

(Did anyone else notice that Ethan is soooooo giving you the finger? I guess he really is mine...)