Perfection

Have y'all seen this? Un-freaking-real.

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Yesterday I woke up feeling a little off, and by late afternoon I had a fever of 100.8. Boo! I can't remember the last time I had a fever, it's literally been years. That freezing cold under 18 blankets one minute then sweating buckets the next feeling just plain blows. Taking care of an almost 1-year old when you feel that way also blows. Getting into an arguement with your husband while trying to take care of an almost 1-year old while you feel that way reaaaaaaally blows. I took some Tylenol for the fever (when really the only true cure was MORE COW BELL) and that went away, but now my throat is all swollen to hell AGAIN. Bah!

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While I was lying on the couch during Ethan's afternoon nap dozing off and on, I half-watched Dr. 90210. This particular episode featured porn star Tabitha Stevens getting yet another surgery, this time to have "dimples" removed from the back of her thighs. The plan was to use cadaver tissue and fat to give her glutes a smoother look. It loosely followed her and her significant other to give a little glimpse into her life, and she said that she usually walks sideways when naked in front of him so that he can't see the back of her legs. WE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY. Period. Tabitha Stevens has not an ounce of fat on her body (but plenty of silicone and whatever the hell else!) and she's a freaking porn star, yet she is STILL insecure in the bedroom. She seems sweet, but honestly if I were here I'd be more worried about her plastic-like appearance and her alien/cat-woman face than a few puckers on the back of the leg. It also got me thinking sheesh, cellulite really sucks. Thin women (and men!) have it, bigger women (and men!) have it, the majority of people have it to some degree. You tend to forget that when every picture you see of a model or celebrity has been airbrushed all to hell. I've kind of stepped back and re-evaluated my goals as far as what I want and expect my body to look like, because I don't want to feel like hanging myself if I lose another 10 pounds and the imperfections I constantly pick at and stress about are still there. (There will always be something!) That's one thing that really appeals to me about Nigella; she seems so comfortable in her skin, so unapologetic for being voluptuous, and as she damn well should be. Her confidence and the way she carries herself is just plain sexy. I am enjoying my healthy eating and exercising, but it is so very easy for that ultra-fine line between healthy living and obsession with perfection to blur or even dissappear altogether. I think that's especially true when you have a history of an eating disorder, and I'll be damned if I fall back into that trap again. Just some food for thought (mmm, food...).

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Last night I dropped E's evening breastfeeding session, so now we're down to once a day. I can't believe it. I can't believe that next week we will be closing this tender-nippled chapter of our lives. He is doing amazingly well with it. He's just... gah, he's such a great little guy. He's growing and changing every damn day. He can say a handful of words now, like "Bo" for our dog Bogart and "Saw" for something that's soft. He loves to read, loves for me to point out shapes and colors and textures. He watches the same cartoons each morning and dances and claps and stomps his feet to every song. He feeds himself and drinks from his sippy cup independently now with no problem, like he soooo does not need me for anything anymore, gawd mom piss off! He lives for bath time. Still loves to terrorize the dog. He's not walking yet but can stand for a few moments without holding on to anything, but that's only when he doesn't realize he's doing it. The moment he discovers that he has no support he falls to his knees out of panic, like what the hell, what was that all about? His father and I should probably spend more time walking him around the house and back and forth to each other. I'm starting to accept that Ethan WILL walk eventually, that I can't keep him caged in his crib and crawling around the house on all fours through his college years. What a shame. Anyway, I'm really going to miss him when I go back to work. I don't want to miss anything.

Yesterday's Food

1/3 c. (dry measure) oats mixed with 1 c. lo-fat cottage cheese, cinnamon and Splenda
coffee with Splenda

more coffee with Splenda
1/2 c. lo-fat cottage cheese
1/2 c. Splenda-sweetened fruit cocktail
1 oz. mixed nuts

3 egg whites and 1 whole egg mixed with 1 T. lite mayo and mustard and onion, on a bed of lettuce
an orange
diet mountain dew

apple
2 lite string cheese
green tea

5 oz. whiting filet
sweet potato with 1 T. margarine
brussel sprouts and green beans
green tea

1 sugar cookie (gasp!)

Total cals: 1,635

Workout: sick/rest day, took Ethan for a walk (which made me feel worse thankyouverymuch)