FUCK

I swore I wouldn't whine anymore but that was clearly before the wrath of a sick baby took hold of me and made me want to literally gouge my eyes out with some sort of salad tossing device. FUCK ME. From the constant stream of snot running down his nose that he continually smears all over his face and everything he comes into contact with (you should see the shoulder of my shirt, my gawd, for it is forever crusted with a layer of goo) to the fussing and fussing and fussing and fussing and fussing and fussing and fussing and fussing. I AM SO NOT KIDDING. He wants to be held but he doesn't. Put him down, fuss. Pick him up, fuss. I've tried it all. We have a vaporizer going in his room and I'm trying to show him extra love and attention to make him feel comforted but man, he's miserable. Of course I feel bad for him, and I feel slightly guilty because I am feeling much better and he is just pitiful today.

I provided him with a dinner of spongebob squarepants mac 'n' cheese, buttered green beans, corn, cubes of avocado and hard-boiled egg thinking SURELY HE WILL LIKE AND EAT SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING. Nope. I finally tossed two arrowroot cookies at him because he needs to eat and I am done. My stress level is at an all-time high today and man, if he wants to live off of fucking cookies for the rest of his life then THAT IS FINE WITH ME, if it gives me two precious and glooooorious minutes of peace and quiet then it is so freaking WORTH IT.

You know what would make this more tolerable? If Ethan were to stop for just a moment, for a fraction of a second, and say to me Dearest Mother, I sincerely appreciate all you do for me, for you are a goddess, beautiful and bright. Then I might be able to go a bit longer without having a nervous breakdown.

Tomorrow night we are going to a party and leaving Ethan at Drew's parent's house for a few hours. At first I was all oh, but he's sick! He's not feeling well! I don't want to go! but now? I'm counting down the hours until we GET to leave him, and you best believe I will be drinking wine and taking my top off, or at least having some wine and talking to other people who do not have snot streaming down their nose.

Yesterday's Fucking Food

Hi-protein hi-fiber french toast with sugar free syrup
coffee with Splenda

choco-pb-nana-protein shake
coffee with Splenda

3 oz. salmon with onion, lettuce and 1/4 avocado on a lo-carb whole wheat flatbread
diet rootbeer

apple
2 lite string cheese
green tea

5 oz. talipia
sweet tater with 1 T. basil pesto
green beans
green tea

1 oz. mixed nuts

Total cals: 1,560

Workout: sick day, but I organized EVERY cabinet in the kitchen and took E for another walk if that counts for anything.