Dull Spoons...

Today I would very much like to stab myself with dull spoons. Let it ease the pain that (a certain someone at work)'s voice brings me... I cringe with every word because I am IRRITABLE, HOT, PREGNANT and have no time for your fucktard bullshit jokes, pig-headedness or comments.

With EVERY WORD my head throbs, my neck tenses up, my teeth grit... and I REACH FOR THE SPOON!

Those are the Kidneys...

After waiting for the doctor in the main waiting room for about 15 minutes, and another hour of thumb-twidling in the actual ultra sound room, D and I nearly tongue kissed the doctor when he finally stumbled through the door. He was apologetic about the wait, which is usually the case as my doctor is a busy man in demand. Bringing life into the world 24/7 is a tiring and hectic task, and my doc loves every minute of it. He is the most calm and cool doctor I've ever, EVER met. Plus, he's funny. I soooo lucked out when I got him as my OB/GYN.

He shook D's hand and I hopped up on the ultrasound table. Dr. E instructed me to unbutton and pull my pants down a bit, to expose my protruding belly and lower abdomen. He squeezed an eewy, gooey, WARM jelly onto my skin and turned off the light. He pressed the scanner into my stomach and began to roll it around, ooo-ing and ahhh-ing at whatever black and white and grey images came up on the screen. "See that?" he asked. "Yup..." I replied, stupified. "Those are the kidneys" he informed us. We went through the "See that", "Yup", "Those are.../That is..." dialogue with the brain, heart, feet, hands, butt, tummy, umbilical cord, mouth, eyes, nose, kidneys and bladder. And they're all healthy and working and wonderful! Two of everything there should be two of, one of everything there should be one of! All is functional and well and amazingly beautiful. Then... my doctor focused in on something else, this time with a big grin. I love his big grin. "See that?" he asked. "Yup", I answered. "This is the stomach. These are the legs, spread open. See that? Looks like a troublemaker to me!" and right away D said "IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS???" and our lovely doctor E said with his lovely doctor E smile, "Yup. 2 hands, 2 feet and a penis... what more do you need?" and we both smiled these huge, goofy, cheesy smiles from ear to ear to ear to ear.

IT'S A BOY! OHHHH BOY!

Ethan Phillip - COMING SOON!

I am sooooo in love!

Of Donkeys and Lillies...

Have you ever had one of those days where the drive home from work is SO BAD that you actually think you'd rather be eating a heaping tablespoonful of shit than driving? You know... there are just those days where you hit every stinking red light possible. Every car that you happen to get behind maintains a strict 5-mile BELOW the speedlimit pace. Blinkers are non-existent, noone wants to let you in... it is a conspiracy against you. You get boxed into a driving HELL. Slow as a snail 76 year old granny in front of you, angry soccer mom in a Lincoln Navigator behind you, school bus to your right, an old Chevy Cavalier to your left. You're in hell and there IS NO ESCAPE. I don't think that getting out of your car at a stop light and blowing people's heads off with a shotgun is right, and I would never do it... BUT I DO UNDERSTAND.

Monday is THE DAY. Will our child be hung like a donkey like his father (muahahahahaha!) or have a fragile little lily like her mother? I can't wait to find out! CAN. NOT. WAIT.

The belly, it's a growin'. The toenails, they need a'polishin. I simply CANNOT paint them myself. The breasts... they are sore! And huge... massive... taking over the world! I think, oh yes, that I will weigh them this weekend on our food scale. Cuz seriously? I bet I could easily feed half the city with my boobs if there were some sort of food shortage. Filet min-boob! Top round of boob. Boob stew. Pineapple boob-side down cake!! Watch out Martha Stewart...

I'll Have a Little Fries with My Ketchup...

So... have you had ketchup lately? I just went to Wendy's with my sis, ordered a salad and a small fry, and found that I could've saved $5 and just ordered ketchup. The fries were really just a way to shovel the ketchup into my mouth. I honestly think that if I had been alone, I would've just taken shots of the delicious condiment by itself. All hail the MIGHTY KETCHUP!

So the baby has been kicking and all of that, and it's so cool. Really, really awesome. That's all I have to say about that. "What?!" you exclaim? "You're only devoting 2 sentences to something pregnancy related?"... I'm not done with the post just yet, so bite yer tounge<---said in a most annoying texas twang. Notice that I did not capitalize texas. I REFUSE!

So, I've been thinking. About this whole birth thing. And it seems to me that it was VERY POORLY DESIGNED. In December, a 6-8 pound person is going to claw their way OUT OF MY VAGINA. Nice, huh? There will most likely be ripping and tearing (shiver!!) and blood and other random fluids... might be pooping on the table, which I'm beginning to realize is a popular fear among the pregnant. If *I* had designed birth, the kid would gently pry his way out of your belly button pain-free, emerge fully clothed and diapered, totally clean, with a 12-pack in hand as a thank you to mama for carrying him in her womb for 9 freaking months, and to daddy for putting up with mama's crap the whole time.

There's a Party in My Belly...

I felt the baby kick for the first time on Thursday. I have felt the kicks and punches and rolls and twists every day since, and each time I feel movement I get this big, goofy grin on my face. What can I say? I'm drunk with motherly love. I am fascinated with what's going on inside my body. Last night there was a keg party in my lower abdomen, and I was not invited. I heard it was crunk.

I'm also more in love than ever with D. He is amazing. We just have so much fun together. I know he's going to be a great father and I wouldn't want any other man by my side. I love the feeling I get when I'm near him. The more I think about how he and I made this little being inside of my belly, the more in love with him I am. I am loving the idea of family. D and I have always been partners in everything, and soon we can add our new addition to the mix. We'll be like the three stooges, only way cooler. We'll be like the three amigos, with more stylish hats.

We get to find out the sex of the baby two weeks from today. I simply cannot put my excitement into words.

GAG ME...

Ok, I'm at work. I'm reading my usual blogs online and bumming around the internet.

Exhibit A: I go to the pull down search menu on my toolbar, and what does it say? Porno. Sex. All things nasty. I'm not against porn, but I know that I never searched for that stuff here at work. And I think... who else has been on my computer? And I remember. One of the techs was here late one night, waiting for his ride. I offered him my computer to pass the time, so he'd have something to do while waiting. I clearly remember saying "NO PORN!" and he shook his head and said, "Oh, of course not" in a way that made me feel bad for even bringing it up.

Exhibit B: I look at my chair. The other day I had noticed a sticky dried drop of something in the middle of the seat, right where someone's crotch would be. I thought maybe I'd spilled some yogurt or something and moved on. This morning, upon further inspection, I noticed that same drop and looked further down the seat's edge. There is was. A runny, white, crusty stream of goo, dried as a drip off the edge of my seat. I'm no gizz expert, but I know spooge when I see it. Someone has done the deed at my desk.... one hand on the keyboard, one hand in their lap. I am beyond disgusted.

All in the Family...

My mother and brothers and sisters recently went for a weekend getaway to Glenrose, Texas. They visited an 'Arbuckle Wilderness' / zoo type place during their stay. One of my brothers has an annoying habit of making this horrible throaty grunting noise when he's whining for whatever reason. He's 14, too smart for his own good and constantly bored, so you can see how making such a noise might somehow be amusing given the circumstances. Maybe not... anyway, my family approached a rhinoceros cage where the rhino was just laying around looking hot and bored. My mother told my brother to make his annoying noise, joking that the rhino would think it was a mating call from a female rhino. Everyone laughed, and my lil' bro started grunting away. Sure enough, the rhino lifted his head and looked around, then stood up to reveal a most prominent and MASSIVE rhino erection. My brother, he has a gift.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

throw them at people you don't like and run. HA! I really am trying to make lemonade. I'm trying to see the good in everything lately. I'm usually this bitter, sarcastic, dark and hopeless soul that always expects the worst. When did this happen? Why am I so cynical? It's times like these that you examine yourself from a different perspective and sometimes realize that you don't exactly like who you are. This is especially hard to do while pregnant, but I'm trying. I don't like how short tempered I've become. From puttering along in traffic to holding on the phone with a less than helpful customer service rep, I do the eye roll, the sigh, the head toss... everything that cries 'I am miserable and it's all your fault. I simply cannot be bothered with your stupidity. You are a total fucktard and you're wasting my time.' Pleasant, eh? I swear I'm fun and funny and can even seem smart at times, but these thoughts are always rolling through my head in one way or another. But now? I'm trying to think about my first day at a job I knew nothing about. Maybe this idiotic customer service rep is trying but just didn't get trained the way they should've... is that really THEIR fault? What about being stuck in traffic? Is the guy in front of me really the one to blame? I should thank the traffic for giving me an opportunity to file my nails. I should be grateful to the customer service rep for giving me some time to stretch and kick back and listen to bad hold music. I've got to learn to enjoy every little bite life has to offer, or I'm done.

Ok, here's a goal: Everytime D and I go to a certain mall in our area, someone at a particular nail booth ALWAYS hassles us as we walk by. Every single time, I have snapped some rude remark telling them to fuck off and leave me alone. D always nudges me and says "Geez baby, they're just doing they're job. Be nice!". And I always feel so mean afterwards. I am vowing that from this day forward, I will be pleasant and smiley and kind to the pesky nail hounds at the nail booth. I will smile, say "Oh, no thank you", and will refrain from shooting laser beams out of my eyeballs.

I'll just take it one day, one step at a time. I just might become a NICE person! Hey, it could happen!