What do you do?

So... what do you do? What is the thing that you wake up for each and every day, the thing that pays your rent and buys you clothes and food and the things you love? What do you DO? And do you LIKE what you do? Do you ENJOY it?

I... do not. Well, it's not a bad job. Not by any means. It pays alright and provides lots of free time for me to pay bills and order stuff off amazon.com and browse ebay. So when I got this job a year ago, I was thrilled. As for any sort of fulfillment, well... it just ain't happening. Am I making a difference in something? Not really. Sure I'm great at what I do, and anyone replacing me would no doubt require lots of training, but once they learned everything they'd be great at it too and there wouldn't be much difference, I don't suppose. I want a job that MATTERS. I want a job where I am valued. I want a job where I am valued AND MY PAY REFLECTS THAT. I want to go home at the end of the day and say 'wow, what a day! I got so much accomplished and made such an impact on the future of our company'. That's what I want. I would, at some point, actually like to look FORWARD to going to the office. Why are you laughing?

See, noone likes working for the man. The MAN being anyone other than yourself. And yes, you ARE working for yourself... to live, eat, shop, go to the movies, have a house, car, etc. etc. But you aren't REALLY. Let me ask you this... do you want to make your boss richer? Is your ultimate goal to make your company super successful when you are probably as disposable as a bathroom paper towel? I think not. So, when we are awarded a job for, say, $11,000.00, and my boss says "ALRIGHT, that's a nice one" and waves it in my face, do I get all excited? Nope. I just force a half smile and silently send him back to his office, where I (silently, again) command him to stay until the end of the day. Stop bothering me! Anyway... it's not helping me any. I'll get paid just the same. It's putting a huge pool in his backyard, not mine. It's paying his $500+ month car payment, not mine!

So I get up each morning. I do my job, and I do it well. But that's about it. I'm disposable and replaceable... and now that I'm pregnant, I feel even more so.

Tick... Tock...

This day? Cannot go by any slower. CAN. NOT. Every minute? Is like an hour. IT SUCKS. It's Friday, and I am being tortured by the clock that never moves.

Yesterday, I had my first prenatal exam. I SAW THE BABY'S HEARTBEAT! I saw his little peanut shaped body just hanging out, lounging around in the great unknown. And there was this little flutter, this light that flashed rapidly... and it was his(her) heart. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen. It made me get all teary, and it made this pregnancy REAL for me. There's a little person growing inside me. He(she) says "hey, y'all!"...

I learned that morning sickness is the most severe between 8-10 weeks, and since next week marks my 8th week... there's still time to puke. I'm just gonna pretend I'm past that point and not dwell on it. Morning sickness? What's that???

I honestly feel like I've become part of some club (the Mommy club!) that I wanted NOTHING to do with before, but now that I've joined? I LOVE IT! We really need to work on a secret handshake or something. A password, at the very least.

Something cool, like 'mashed bananas' or something. Did I REALLY just say that?

I'm also noticing that as I get more and more "into" the pregnancy, the CHEESIER I get. See the little time bar at the bottom of this blog? With the cute baby colors and little baby counter showing how far along I am? Total cheese-city. But I love it and have looked at it like 8 times since putting it on here. Next thing you know, I'll be decorating the nursery in some NUTS-O jungle theme or something. I'm losing my mind. But I like it.

Pea in the pod...

Being pregnant isn't easy. I'm always tired. ALWAYS. I could pass out for hours at any given moment. Maintaining my pre-pregnancy exercise schedule has been a bit of a chore, but I'm finally kicking my own ass and making SURE to keep up with it. I slacked for maybe 3 days, and not even in a row. So that's not SO bad. Eating has been an even bigger challenge. I am finding that I'm honestly not satisfied with some of the "healthier" foods I was eating in place of their not-so-healthy counterparts... so giving myself permission to relax the eating rules a bit has been a struggle. I've got to get over the all on nothing mind set. But I'm getting better... last night I worked my ass off at the gym for an hour but then came home and ate fried chicken and mashed taters with a biscuit for dinner, because I've had this ridiculous craving for fried chicken for the longest time. It's all about balance, yes? Yes. Oh, and also? Accepting the fact that I need to eat more than the standard 1,500 calories a day is difficult. So is realizing that I WILL GAIN SOME WEIGHT. I refuse to be one of those 200+ pound moms who never lose the baby weight afterwards because they're too busy/lazy/unmotivated. So keeping my weight gain to a minimum is important to me... still, 10-15 lbs. is inevitable. I wish I could be one of the skinny stick pregnant maternity models I keep seeing in Pea in a Pod and Edamame maternity clothing adds, but my body wasn't model-like before becoming pregnant, and pregnancy isn't just going to magically morph me into model-mommy shape. Anyway, I'm trying to find a healthy and happy middle ground that lets me indulge some of my cravings and not focus on counting calories so much but also keep up with my workouts and staying in shape throughout the pregnancy. My baby and my ass will thank me later, I'm sure.

Oh, baby...

A month without posting? C'mon now... SOMEONE has been slacking big time. Lots on my mind, lots going on in my life. Monday, April 25, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had been: sad, happy, bitchy, elated, depressed and late with my dreaded monthly girlie time. And my boobs had been sore beyond belief. (.) (.) They had swelled up a bit and been super sensitive to the touch. And also? THE WORST CRAVINGS EVER. Usually around PMS time I pig out to an extent, mostly on sweets and chocolate. But this time? Was different. Uncontrollable. Didn't understand what the fuck was going on, other than that I was being weak. Where had my willpower gone? So... I took Monday off from work. In the afternoon, I ran to CVS and grabbed a pregnancy test. Went home, peed on the stick... and before my very eyes, there were TWO lines. Every other time I'd ever taken one of these lil' tests, only one line had shown up. This time it was positive. Thinking that I might be seeing things or having a blond moment, I ran and got my neighbor, Amanda, to confirm. "Sara", she said. "What are you going to do?". What was I going to do. I hadn't really thought about it. I mean, I'd recently made the decision that I would probably never have kids. My fiance and I agreed. I'd always, honestly, said that I would get an abortion if I did become pregnant. And now? I couldn't do it. I considered it for about a tenth of a second. Am I 17 still in highschool? No. Did I have a one night stand and will never see the father again? Nu uh. I am 25 fucking years old and I am about to be married in September. I have a decent job and a great family who loves and supports me in everything I do. When I told my mom? She nearly died. In a good way. She said that she had been thinking about how much she'd like a grandkid the last few days. Well, doesn't everything just work out wonderfully? Haha. It took me a few days. But once I went to the doctor that Wednesday? I was super freaking excited. And I still am... I've been riding a little almost-mommy high ever since. I'm not your typical crafty-baking-Barney-wanna-be-mom by ANY means. But I don't have to be (thank God!). I'll be a great mom, and Drew will be a great dad. I've got so much love to give this kid it's unreal. So my life has changed dramatically in the last week. DRAMATICALLY. Bad hair cut? Not so dramatic anymore. NOT the end of the world. Flat tire? Nope. I'm looking at everything with a whole new perspective. The perspective of a soon to be mother. Wow. I still can't believe it.