"I Tore Mommy a New One..."

With a breakthrough performance by Ethan Phillip Thibodeaux!

I'm finally a mama. I've never been more tired. I've never been more dependent on coffee. I've never been more exhausted or sore all over in my life. And I've certainly never been more happy.

3 a.m. Tuesday morning: Contractions, ouch. Never had any like this before.
4 a.m.: Thinking about going to hospital. These really hurt.
4:30 a.m.: Discuss condition with my mother. We decide to wait until the contractions are closer together. I try to sleep but wake up every 5 minutes for the next 3 hours.
7:30 a.m.: Get out of bed and decide to wash my face and brush my teeth. Tell husband what's going on and that TODAY IS THE DAY. I'm in labor.
8:30 a.m.: Drive to hospital. Contractions are now causing me to double over in pain. Surely, SURELY, I'm dialated to at least a 5 or 6... am super woman, can totally handle this. I mentally pat myself on the back.
9:00 a.m.: In room at hospital. Amazed at how quickly I got a room! Equally amazed at hideousness of hospital gown and uncomfortableness of bed. It's going to be a long day.
9:30 a.m.: Am hooked up to eight thousand different machines. Baby's heartbeat is not doing well. We discover that his heartbeat stabilizes when I'm on my right side. So, I lie on my right side. Ouch. Contractions suck.
9:35 a.m.: Am 3 centimeters dialated. BAH! It cannot be! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. I need an epidural.
10:00 a.m.: Am having to breathe through each contraction now, with the help of my mom and D. They HURT. Tell mom she is amazing and goddess-like for having 4 natural births. Feel like total pussy and wimp.
10:05 a.m.: Doctor E comes in. Says I can have my epidural and that baby is handling labor well with me on my right side.
10:30 a.m.: Magic medicine woman comes in, ready to butcher my spine. She says my skin is "tough" and stresses the importance of my staying still.
10:31 a.m.: Cannot stay still. Am shaking horribly now and body parts involuntarily flex and contract each time she pokes my back.
10:32 a.m.: Apologize for not being able to stand still eight million times. Magic medicine woman is obviously annoyed. Feel like a horrible mother already. Everyone said that the epidural is not big deal, but so far it is FUCKING HELL.
10:35 a.m.: Epidural is in and I mentally kiss magic medicine woman. Feel a warm rush throughout my lower body. Wish I could share this feeling with the world. D loves the epidural just as much as I do... am now all rainbows and skittles and sunshine.
10:36 a.m.: Medicine woman is not so magic afterall... she informs me that she accidentally leaked a little bit of spinal fluid from my spine while inserting the needle, which could cause a moderate to severe headache that could last anywhere from 24 hours to a week. Fan-fucking-tastic.
10:37 a.m.: Severe headache swallows me whole.
10:45 a.m.: Sisters B and E come in to hang out. They begin placing bets on my contractions. B should not gamble. E is $20 richer.
11:00 a.m.: Cervix check: 4.5 centimeters. This is going to be the longest day in history of long days.
12:30 p.m.: Start to feel crampy on left side. Ignore it. Sleep for awhile, wake up hungrier than I've ever been. Cannot eat. Am not allowed. D is munching on vending machine junk in the corner of the room and I hate him wholeheartedly for a minute.
1:00 p.m.: Sleep.
3:00 p.m.: Crampiness becomes severe pain. Complain to nurse. Nurse explains that yeah, haha, gravity can pull the epidural to one side, so it wears off on the other side. I'm feeling the contractions. Marvelous!
3:30 p.m.: I AM IN PAIN. I cannot go on. Everything is insanely numb on my right side, but on my left I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING. Cervix check: 9.5 centimeters. HOLY SHIT. I'm almost there. It's almost time to push.
3:45 p.m.: Time to start pushing. 10 centimeters dialated. HOLY SHIT. Assume the position: mom on my left side, D on my right, nurse between my legs. We wait for a contraction, and then the nurse tells me to take a deeeeeeeeep breath and then push for ten seconds. Pushing is HARD, and I keep pushing with my face instead of my uterus. After one push, she says to take another quick deep breath and push again for another 10 seconds. Repeat once more, rest and wait for another contraction to start the whole thing over again. We're working in sets of threes.
4:00 p.m.: 15 minutes has passed but it feels like days. Pushing is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, EVER.
5:05 p.m.: The head has crowned. We wait for Doctor E. Where the fuck is he? How can I sit here with a human head hanging out of my VAGINA and not push? Why isn't Doctor E already here?
5:07 p.m.: Dr. E arrives. We start pushing. I want to kill myself. I cannot go on. Pushing is insane. I have nothing left. I consider just pushing the baby back in and going home.
5:10 p.m.: The baby is half way out. Dr. E asks if I've got one more push in me. I don't, but FUCK. I have to do it. I muster up one more squeeze. I can feel the baby's limbs slide out. My mom cries. I cry. D cries. We're one big snotty mess of happiness and salty tears. This is the greatest day EVER.
5:11 p.m.: Ethan Phillip Thibodeaux is born. He is pink and plump and cries loudly with his whole body. HE HAS ARRIVED!