Straight from hell...

My sister Emily is in town this weekend to visit us. After a breakfast of pancakes and coffee, she went off to shower and get ready for the day. 5 minutes later she emerged from the bathroom in nothing but a towel, cold and shaking. "Uh, Sara? Yeah, I'm such a baby! Heh... there's a bug in the shower and I'm scared to get it..." "What kind of bug?", I ask. "Oh, I dunno" she says. "A roach I guess". I stroll into the bathroom, pull back the shower curtain and there it was: the biggest most disgusting ROACH I have ever ever ever seen, straight from the hell where people go if they misbehave in the first hell. I've never seen anything like it in my life, not even in Texas. I pause to formulate a plan. We are both terrified. Each time it moves we jump and step back. I get a rubber glove and slip it over my hand, for it is my protection, my savior! All hail the yellow rubber glove! Do not let me down! Emily asks if I have any kind of spray, but I can't remember where it is. There is only one option left: THE SHOE. Of course I don't want to use my own shoe, so I run to the closet and retrieve D's old Nike. I whisk back into the bathroom and clobber the bug in one swift motion. We both squeal like little school girls and jump up and down. The roach is splattered across the side of the tub and it had guts! GUTS! Ooey gooey insides! I clearly saw a spleen and small intestine and kidney. For a moment I considered burying the little guy, putting a little tombstone where his smashed body would R.I.P. Then I picked him up with toilet paper (with my glove-protected hand, of course!) and threw him in the toilet. I'm sure his cousins and sisters and brothers are all out to get me now. I'll be sleeping with one eye open, for sure. These fuckers are trying to take over the world.