Owner of a Lonely Heart...

D has been talking about going to Louisiana to get a job rebuilding things where his parents live for some time now, but today he said he wants to leave next week. The plan would be for him to work there and come home to me every 2 weeks or so, until I can move there too with Ethan. This sucks in so many ways.

I want him to be here with me to watch my belly grow to ginormous proportions. I want him to rub my feet in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and to feel Ethan kick and squirm in utero. I've got less than 12 weeks to go. December 19 is just around the corner. What if I go into early labor and D isn't here for it?

The plan is for me to finish out our lease in our current apartment and then to move back home with my mom at the beginning of December. We had plans to move back in with her for awhile now... for BOTH of us to move back in. This will give us a major break financially since I will not be making a dime the entire 6 weeks of my materniy leave, and my mom is more than happy to help with the baby (bless her heart!). I am fine with all of that, but now? I am feeling so alone! I'll have to face the 2:30 a.m. cries solo, without D by my side. Will Ethan smile for the first time without D around? Will he hold up his head and turn over and gurgle his first cooes with only mama there to witness it? I hope not.

Eventually, according to plan, D will work and save money in Louisiana and get us a house with the help of his parents. Sometime mid-2006 I will pack up and move there with Ethan. D's mother will watch Ethan once I find a job, which will save us a TON of money not having to pay for daycare. His father and mother can get both of us great jobs... I guess you could say they've got "connections". It all sounds like a dream. We'll see how it goes...

I've always wanted to live alone. I went straight from my mom's house at 23 to an apartment a town away with D. There have been several times in the last 2 years where I've wished I'd been able to experience living by myself. But I'm over that now... we're married, we're pregnant, and I adore the idea of FAMILY. I want love and support and togetherness, ALWAYS! Especially in the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

I know that D is making a huge sacrifice by working there and leaving me here. It will be just as hard for him as it will be for me. He's got a lot of hard work ahead of him. But there's still that selfish side of me that wants to tell him nu-uh, no way in HELL are you leaving me when I'm about to explode with little baby boy... I need you here with me!