Sunday

Alright people, here's the deal. I miss blogging and I miss it bad. It's my mid-day cup-o-tea, my nightcap, my prozac all in one. I swear from this day forward to blog every single solitary day, even if just to check in and report that my period was especially heavy that day. Or that I ate an entire mushroom and black olive pizza in one sitting. Or that I managed to do bicep curls with a 50 pound barbell. You know, the important stuff that everyone wants to know. I find myself thinking gah! I need to blog! I have so much to say! and then time just slips away and there's laundry to do and dishes to wash and weights to be lifted and baby to bathe and husband to blow and sleep to be slept, and people stop visiting my blog and stop caring and I don't get the chance to say all the things that I can't usually say out loud. That's just it, my blog lets me complain about things that people would normally shun in day-to-day conversation, and my blog lets me brag on things that people would normally dismiss as obsessive or conceited in everyday life. Plus, and more importantly, my blog has spell check which I really wish was included in everyday life. Wouldn't that be nice? I remember a time when I was talking to my sister Emily and she said she had read my recent blog post, that it was funny (ha ha!) and insightful but that I had referred to ying and yang. Yeah, so? I inquired. Uh... well, it's YIN and yang, she offered. You're lying! I protested. No. It's YIN. Not YING. Shit. So see? It's clear that I NEED a grammer check feature as well but that's not happening any time soon. Hang on a sec, I need a tad bit more Merlot. Just a smidge... *guzzle, guzzle*

Let's see. Where did we leave off? Ethan is a freaking genius. Have I told you that before? Yeah, the kid is nuts, but in a good way. He loves his new classroom (the 2-year old room) and doesn't want to leave when we go to pick him up at the end of the day. He likes to boss me around, that's his new "thing". No mommy he'll say, or here mommy and he'll hand me my glass of wine. (Ok, not really but wouldn't that be rad? So rad...) (He usually says here, mommy and hands me a book or his sippy cup.) He likes to hide in the racks of clothing when we're out shopping so I'll say Holy hell, where's Ethan? Ethan, where are you? and he'll jump out of the clothes and smile and laugh with his whole body. I want ten more just like him but there's just no guarantee and I'm not sure that's a risk I'm willing to take. Ethan is like my friggin' sidekick. I want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with him after a long day and read a book, or have him wipe snot on my shoulder, or watch the latest episode of Sesame Street. Let me tell you... the same people that were on Sesame Street when YOU were a kid are still on there now, I shit you not. AND, they haven't aged AT ALL. I don't know what they're smokin' but I WANT SOME. Also, someone recently said that Big Bird is a GIRL? Is this true? I've always been under the impression that Big Bird was a dude. Thoughts?

I've been working out harder than ever but am easing up a bit with the rigid food rules I imposed upon myself as I got more and more into Precision Nutrition. PN states from the beginning that you follow the rules 90% of the time. That means that if I'm eating 6 meals a day, 7 days a week that I get 4 meals to play with. I'd been limiting myself to one or two big blow-out meals and it was getting to be a bit much. My job recently sent me away to Boca Raton Florida for 4 nights (4 nights!) and I hogged it up, man. I totally oinked out. That was my red flag that, uh, it's time to settle the fuck down. Eat something sinful more often so you don't go all hoggy-ho in cases like these. I've been maintaining my weight which is great, there's still more I'd like to lose but damn. Having a glass of wine every few nights might be worth a little extra badunk in my trunk, ya know? I've had to dig deep to find out why I put so much emphasis on being thin and being wanted by men. I know that sounds awful BUT IT'S TRUE. It has to do with my being molested by my friend's older brother ONE TIME as a kid, it goes back to my real father, who never wanted me (and has had little to do with me my entire life), and my complicated and VERY unpleasant relationship with my step-father up until he was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2000. It's true. I have issues with men and issues with sex and issues with myself and my body. I honestly think I would benefit from some sort of therapy. Just to let it all out. I have carried on for all this time being numb. Numb with alcohol or numb with drugs or numb with food... I'm tired of being numb. What's wrong with FEELING? What then? What happens when you let yourself live and be real and be human and feel raw and vulnerable? Well, I'm exploring that now. Health and fitness is one thing. Control and self-medicating with a subconscious eating disorder or a drinking problem is quite another. I'll keep you posted. I was going to apologize for maybe sharing too much but, well, THIS IS MY BLOG, dammit, SUCK IT. Whatever IT may be... my big toe, perhaps? An ear?

Things are good and I have a ton to say. I'll save more for tomorrow. I'm back, I'll be posting regularly and I hope you'll grab a glass of wine and join me. Cheers!