What's New?

Yes, what is new? Well, nothing really. While my eating and exercise are going extremely well, other areas of my life are pathetically lacking. No substance, no texture, no life. I'm absurdly bored with my job. That whole yahoooooooooo, I got a jooooooooooooob that pays weeeeeeeeeeeell, I'm a working mooooooooooooooooooooooooom! phase was over long ago. At this point if I have to scan another document for someone or pick up their FUCKING lunch, I seriously believe that I might stab myself in the eyeball with a jumbo paperclip. I feel like a fool. I can't do this forever. I won't! But what then? I have a loose Master Plan, but geeesh. I just don't know. I doubt myself often. From the simplest of tasks to the most complex, lifelong goals and achievements... I don't have faith in myself. I never have. I don't know why. I know it goes back to long long long ago, because I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I usually feel like I just don't have what it takes, so I don't even try. How sad is that? Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis sad. If I held down the i key forever, it still would not come close to demonstrating just how pathetic that fact is. *sigh*

(Oh, everyone feel sorry for Sara, boo-freaking-hoo!)

(Pathetic!)

::

In other news, D's grandpa has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. This news sent me from mildly unhappy with life to straight up in a funk. I am in a funk. A funk I don't know how to rid myself of. Because life is too short to worry about how much cellulite you have on your thighs, or whether the floor is clean enough, or how your kid's stuffed animals are arranged in his room. My gawd, I am wasting my time! I feel like a waste of space. Today my boss asked me to do something in the 10 minutes I had left in my work day, and because I couldn't complete it and had to leave to get Ethan and pass the work on to my co-worker, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I honest to gawd started CRYING. I kept thinking about D's grandpa, which lead to thoughts of my own dad (who died from cancer), which lead to thoughts about life, how short it is, how sweet it is, which lead me to ask myself WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? And the answer is a very dark and very hollow NOTHING.

Fuck. This mood just might be due to the fact that I weaned myself off of Welbutrin in the last few weeks, I'm not sure. Screw the Welbutrin, just leave me in your garage with your car running and the door shut, please. I AM HORRIBLE.