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Mama is tired.

Parenting is hard. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa, I know. It's wonderful and great and fun and life-changing, but it's also hard and tiring and heart-breaking. You know, since I have exactly 1 child, I'm total authority on the subject, right? This morning Ethan started crying at like 6 a.m. We brought him in bed with us (mistake) and I finally got up with him at around 6:45. I really would've liked to stay in bed for another 30 minutes or so. That would've been very, very nice. He had a nightmare diaper, complete with earth-tone colored poo (silty clay?) and highly offensive stank. He felt a little warm to me and his cheeks were flushed, so I gave him a dose of children's Motrin. He fussed over what to eat for breakfast. He wanted a waffle, then a quesadilla, then cereal, then a cereal bar, then peanut butter on graham crackers, then NO waffle, NO quesadilla, NO CEREAL NOPEANUTBUTTERNOGRAHAMCRACKERSGETTHEMOFFMYHIGHCHAIRNOW! So I decided to make him some whole-wheat pancakes, to which he happily agreed. I groggily mixed the batter, substituting cinnamon applesauce for the oil, and added it to the skillet in sleepy blobs. While they were cooking I wondered, why don't I cook breakfast more often? Why don't I cook more in general? I always wanted to be the kind of mom to prepare home-cooked meals every night. And I am clearly NOT that mom. I slid 2 pancakes onto Ethan's Winnie the Pooh plate, spread a little Smart Balance spread on them and poured on the syrup. I carefully cut each pancake into little squares, retrieved a kid fork from the drawer and stumbled over to his highchair. "Um, no pancake... I wanna waffle! Or quesadilla!" he exclaimed. THIS. This is exactly why I don't go to great lengths to prepare meals anymore. I brushed the pancakes into the trash with a sigh.

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4 weeks to go until my last day of work. 5 weeks until we're on the road! I can't tell you how excited I am to throw away half of our crap. Looking around I can name more than a handful of things we will NOT be taking with us back to Texas. Our house is tiny. Eensy weensy. So if we throw/give away half our stuff, packing up the other half should be a snap. My new mantra for life in Texas will be less is more. I want to simplify and downsize. Also, we have (counts on fingers) 5 televisions. How'd THAT happen?

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Bwa, hahaha, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! (insert crazed laugh) I just finished cooking up the rest of the pancakes for Drew and myself, along with some turkey bacon, and OF COURSE the second I sit down with my plate, Ethan toddles over and says "Pancakes? I want pancakes!" He's on his second one now. Yeah, I was tempted to dig the two rejected pancakes out of the trash to feed him, but I didn't. Good mommy.

Oh Holy Shit...

Spirophita tagged me a few weeks back to do the "5 Things Most People Don't Know About Me" thing. I love getting tagged! It's like being picked to be on someone's dodge ball team in middle school (thanks Spiro!).

1) I am OCD (or maybe I'm just weird, which is no news flash) but have gotten much better. I still have to set two alarm clocks every night and check them each fifty bajillion times before going to sleep, but it used to be much worse. This is related to # 2:
2) I am a clean/neat FREAK. It took me forever to get used to having toys and crayons strewn about. Now I just take a deep breath and remember that it'll all be cleaned up and put away at the end of the day, and that it'll be a mess again the next day. Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!
3) Right after high school I became a certified nurse aide and worked on the medical/surgical floor of a local hospital in Texas for about 6 months. My responsibilities included but were not limited to taking vital signs, measuring feces, emptying catheter bags and even inserting and removing them! This is what made me decide to enroll in college!
4) I was born in Canada, where they administer fluoride treatments to young children (mom, is that right?) and the bottom half of my two front teeth ended up being severely discolored because of this. I was teased a lot in elementary school. I was so self-conscious of my teeth that I practiced smiling in front of the mirror so my bottom lip would cover the first half of my two front teeth. Goofy, yes, but still better than showing my big, toothy, discolored grill. In middle school as a birthday present my parents bought me porcelain veneers, which cost a LOT of money. From that instant my life changed. I still remember coming back to school after the procedure and smiling a full smile. It felt great. Then, of course, I started smoking like a chimney a few years later, and then drinking hellacious amounts of coffee, tea and diet soda, so my once gleaming pearly whites are now more, uh, off-white, unfortunately. How sad. Still much better than once upon a time, though.
5) I played the flute in middle school. I became so nervous when I had to play solo in front of the rest of the class that I developed this horrible shaky lip, which caused my notes to sound out in short, nervous chops rather than in a long, continuous flow. I quit after one year.

Fun! I tag Unsociable and Taciturn. YOU BETTER DO IT! ;O)

I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING...

You never stop learning from Sesame Street. Over the weekend Drew and I were watching an episode with Ethan, and the letter of the day was A. They ran through the usual: apple, ant, armadillo, and alcoholics anonymous. Next, they showed an acorn. "A is for ACORN!" said the voice in the background. Drew turned to me, stunned. "Acorn? It's acorn?" he questioned. "Um, yeah.... what the hell are you talking about?" I asked. "All this time I thought it was EGG-corn. You know, cuz it's sort of shaped like an egg..." he confessed. Our thirst for knowledge will simply never be quenched.

Excrement! Also, Texas...

Jesus Christ. Ethan has had this HORRIBLE obsession with taking his diaper off during nap and night time the last two days. We've had 2 poo situations and 2 pee situations, so far an even score, each significantly more disgusting than the last. We were up at 2:30 a.m. this morning stripping the urine-soaked sheets from his mattress and re-diapering his naked ass, and then we were lucky enough to enter his room this morning at 7 a.m. to find the same mess, only this time involving poo. Between that and trying to potty train the new pup, my entire weekend has pretty much involved nothing but bodily excretions, NONE OF WHICH WERE FROM MY OWN BODY.

Ahem! Today we returned the puppy to D's mom's house, where it came from. This experience has made me realize that I am no longer a dog person. Not at all. Or, I'm not a puppy person, rather. Oh, how I hate puppies. Isn't that awful? Next I'll be saying that I love to eat the brains of baby bunnies. Anyway, two weeks of random peeing and pooping and chewing and biting and scratching almost caused me a nervous breakdown. He had to go. Supposedly we are not allowed to give Ethan away in this same manner, so instead we bought some Diego pull-ups and said a few prayers. Cool, look, it's DIEGO! And you want to wear Diego on your crotch, right? If the Spanish-speaking, backpack totin' explorer isn't enough to keep those suckers on, I'm hoping that they'll be too tight for Ethan to take off himself. Hopefully he will grow tired after a few minutes of tugging and pulling and will PASS the FUCK OUT from exhaustion. My fingers are crossed.

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Alert, alert! I scoped out some Cadbury Creme Eggs at the grocery store yesterday and bought three of them. I think these little nuggets of sweet and creamy goodness are a love-or-hate food. You either absolutely LURVE them or they make you want to yack. For all you lovers out there, go buy some and molest the gooey center with your tongue. You know you wanna.

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In other, more exciting news, we are moving back to Texas! We're GOING-GOING, BACK-BACK to TEXAS-TEXAS. I turned in my resignation at work nearly a month ago, giving them a more than fair 9-week notice, so now the hunt is on for my replacement. What is in store for us in Texas, you ask? Well, D has already secured a job. I am looking at going back to school to finish out my Bachelors degree. I think I might enjoy majoring in journalism! I can't believe that has never occurred to me before, to pursue something I actually enjoy. For the longest time I wanted to get a degree in nutrition, but that wasn't necessarily because I'm in love with macronutrients or anything; my eating-disordered past had programmed me to memorize any and everything I learn about food and metabolism. So it just made sense to go with something I seemed to be good at. Now I'm not so sure I was ever good at nutrition, I think I'm just really good at having eating disorders. I don't think the University of North Texas offers that degree plan.

Anyway! I'm stoked to move back, really over-the-freaking-moon excited. I'm nervous about trying to find a new daycare for Ethan. We love his current class so much that I'm sure everything else will pale in comparison (Megan? Didja talk to yer mama?). I remember the anxiety I had the first time we looked for a daycare, so I'm certain everything will work out just as well this time. My last day is Friday, February 15th. That's what, less than six weeks away!? I'm kind of sad to leave the people at my office. They are without a doubt the funniest, most enthusiastic, smartest group of people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. But I'm not sad to leave my actual job. It's time to mooooooooooooove on. It's time to move back home! We'll be U-Haulin' it back to DFW on February 25th. YEE-freaking-HAW, y'all!

Happy New Year!

Editor's Note: I have been summoned to play in a Guitar Hero III tournament for about an hour now, and my husband is threatening to slit my throat if I do NOT COME HERE THIS INSTANT. Damn my silly blog, can't I do this tomorrow? So I must compete for the title, ya'll. Please excuse any grammatical errors and/or typos. Thank ya kindly!

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We're in Texas and I'm doing tequila shots with my sister. (10:39 p.m. and the current count is 6 a piece). Drew is upstairs playing beer pong with 2 of my sister's boyfriends. Question: Is it salt, tequila, lime or tequila, salt, lime? We've been doing salt, tequila, lime and I think I like that much better than tequila, salt, lime.

From Sundry's blog. I did this last year, too. Not much has changed!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
 Herion. Actually, I decided to brave the dark and uncertain and unknown. I went back to work full-time after being a stay-at-home-mama for over a year in a scary and unfamiliar city. I lost a lot of weight, then gained it back. Go me!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
 I don't make new year's resolutions anymore. Sorry, Charlie.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
 My friends Lindsay and Sean recently welcomed their second baby boy, and my old friend Rosie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
 Unfortunately, my husband's grandpa passed away very recently. I know people always say "Ah, he/she is in a better place now", but I truly believe that he is in a much better place now, finally at peace.

5. What countries did you visit?
 Sadly, none. I stayed in the good ol' U-S of A. Although I did travel to Boca Raton, Florida on business. That's practically another country, right?

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Sanity. A more defined and satisfactory sense of self. Less pressure. More fun. Less worry. Much more adventure. More patience with Ethan.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The day my mother and her fiance got married. Naturally I can't remember the exact date. It was a really great night. Also, February 15, the day I went back to work full-time and sent my little guy off to daycare. Talk about transition! Lastly, the day we lost our chihuahua, Bogart. He ran away from my mom's house in Texas when we were there for a visit in October. I hope he finally got laid.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
 Deciding that I need more in life. Admitting that I am not ever going to be happy if I settle. This applies to so many things...

9. What was your biggest failure?
 Putting so much pressure on myself. Always expecting perfection. Ceasing to find the beauty in the imperfect. Not always having the necessary patience that life (and parenting especially) calls for.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
 Ethan went through a repeat bout of pinkeye. He must have had it six times in six months. We also went through two rounds of the 24-hour flu. Not fun, not fun at all. But great for weight loss!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
 My husband's truck. FINALLY, we have a truck. Now maybe D will SHUT UP.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Every one's, in some way or another. Drew pursued a new, more satisfying job despite the odds and strikes against him. I learned to accept myself the way I am now, in the present moment. Ethan is just plain awesome. He does something that calls for celebration (almost) every day.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mine. My husband's. Ethan's. I think most of it was normal, though. And it was normal for me to be depressed and appalled. (What's normal, anyway?) Oh, and that BRITNEY SPEARS. Christ.

14. Where did most of your money go?
 Bills and daycare. 2008 is going to be our year. We'll get a ton of stuff paid off... we'll finally make it to that light at the end of the tunnel!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Anytime we visited my family in Texas. Finding a really great job. Breaking out of dieting insanity. Holidays and birthdays with E.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
 a)happier! b)the same! c)richer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I would have had more fun. I wish I would have done more non-body/non-diet related things. I want to be more crafty, like my friends Meghan and Megan.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Dieting. Worrying. Stressing. Obsessing. Losing my temper.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
 Lost in a sea of wrapping paper! In Louisiana with my in-laws. E developed a double ear infection and high fever. Merry Christmas!

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
 I'm easy. I fall in love constantly.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Six Feet Under. My brilliant and beautiful and bestest friend Megan lent me the dvds for Seasons 1 and 2. Also, Dexter, Weeds and The Office.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No! I don't HATE anyone, really.

24. What was the best book you read?
 Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. Currently I'm reading his sequel, Dry. So far it is kicking complete and total ass as well.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
 I haven't found any spectacular new bands, but I haven't really been looking. I've been alternating between Muse and every Smashing Pumpkins album ever created.

26. What did you want and get?
I wanted for Ethan to be well adjusted and happy. He is, he is! I also wanted to be a size 8 and a size 8 I was! Was. Meaning am not anymore.

27. What did you want and not get?
 I wanted to wake up one morning and have my dream job and a million dollars and perkier boobs. Sadly this never happened, no matter how much mescaline I took.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
 I really liked Knocked Up and Super Bad, but I saw Juno last night and decided that it just might be one of the greatest films EVA. Certainly my favorite of the year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
 I'm pretty sure my mother-in-law cooked a big dinner for me and got a cake, and I'm sure a few presents were involved, but I didn't do anything wild or crazy or spectacular. I turned 27.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
 Having my friends and family close by, same story as last year.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
 Simple work wear (black pants, heels or wedge sandals, plain sweaters and button-ups) or jeans, t-shirts and flip flops or Nikes. In a word: BORING (but comfortable).

32. What kept you sane?
 Wine. My sisters. My mom. Exercise. Wine. Wine. Wine.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Let's see... Dexter. (Michael C. Hall) Mmm, hmmm.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
 Not any one specific issue (isn't WAR a given?), but just the sense that things aren't getting any better. It sucks wondering about your child's future and being afraid of the things you can't control.

35. Who did you miss?
 My family and friends in Texas.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
 The people at my current job. There are 5 other people in my office and they are all brilliant, funny and amazing.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
 Ah, I really am my own worst critic. Also, I don't hate kids after all.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. From Fleetwood Mac's Landslide:

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing

cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too

Sunday...

I can't believe it's almost 2008. I'll be 28. That makes me slightly queasy.

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Ethan has been a total terrorist lately. He is Mr. Bossy McBossypants and it is really driving me nuts. "STOP SINGING!" he'll scream, as I quietly hum to the radio. "STAND UP!" he'll demand, as I collapse in a tired heap on the couch. He fully extends his arm and points his tiny finger at me when he says these things, and sometimes I half expect that a laser beam will emit from his fragile digit. Is he acting out because D and I were fighting the other night? Is he over or under-stimulated at daycare? Is he really the Antichrist? I chalk it all up to the terrible twos. Ethan will be 2 on Thursday, December 27th. Right on queue.

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The non-diet thing was great at first, then I obsessed over not dieting, which led me to binge a few times, which led me to feel like a failure at yet another food and body related distraction, and then... well, I don't know what happened. I just sort of stopped caring and snapped out of it. I work out. That hasn't changed. Weights for an hour twice a week, cardio as many times as I can fit it in, yoga if I need to chill. Sometimes I eat very healthy, sometimes I don't. It all depends on WHAT I FEEL LIKE. I continue to buy clothes that fit well, look good and make me feel good. I have learned to L-O-V-E my ass. Really and truly. I cherish that junk in my trunk. Of course there are still things I dislike (tricep jiggle, cellulite, saddlebags, the years later post-baby ab pooch that just won't quit), but I no longer hate any part of my body. That HATE is gone.

So, the mistake I made in the beginning was expecting to be "cured" after a month. Because if you've been doing the emotional eating thing all your life, or the diet/binge/diet/binge thing, you can't realistically expect that 2 books and a few weeks will break the cycle. It takes effort. You won't be perfect. You will slip and fall. But you need to fall. You make real progress when you fall and DON'T try to fix things with another diet. You make progress when you overeat at dinner one night and let it go. When you wake up the next morning and eat a bowl of Cheerios when you get hungry because that's what you want to eat, not eggwhites and oatmeal because that's what you THINK you should eat. It takes awhile for all that pressure to subside. It's almost easier to just keep dieting than it is to face the first few weeks of non-dieting. It's easier to continue the cycle of losing weight and then gaining it back (on a diet, off a diet, on a diet, off a diet) because it's so familiar, it's all you know. But I am telling you that once you get over that hurdle, once you let all your perfect body expectations go and focus on health and how you feel and what you truly enjoy (what you enjoy food-wise, exercise-wise, life-wise!), when you focus on what feels good, it's absolutely worth it. Getting your life back is worth it. Even if you have to start from scratch.

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D's family surprised us with a puppy last night. He is half rat terrier, half chihuahua. A rathuahua? It makes me sad to think that we've replaced Bogart. The thought of potty training both a toddler and a puppy makes me want to kill myself. But Ethan loves him and Drew adores him and dammit, I do too. But. BUT! If this dog start chewing things to shreds or using the living room rug as his personal porta-potty, he is out! I mean it. Does anyone have any puppy training advice? Book suggestions? Or should we just spike his water with Nyquil...

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You must. MUST! Absolutely must read Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. It took me about 3 days to read it, all 315 pages, and for me that is nothing short of a miracle. I can hardly make time to check my email or blog or brush my teeth, let alone sit down to read a book. It's the kind of book that leaves you thinking about it hours after you've put it down. I highly recommend it.

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That's all I got.

Saturday...

This morning we got all dolled up to go see Santa Clause at my in-laws' church. We waited for an hour (AN HOUR) in line for Ethan to scream and cry in response to being placed on some white bearded stranger's lap. For older kids visiting Santa is exciting, magical even. For an almost 2-year old it seems to be traumatizing. In desperation I sat on the arm of Santa's chair with Ethan so we could get a half-way decent picture. Santa wrapped his arm low around my waist for the shot and it felt weird. I don't blame Ethan for throwing a fit.

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We watched the original claymation Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer last weekend, which is my favoritest of favorite Christmas movie of all time. It was much shorter than I remember. When it was over I felt depressed. There are so many things that I would like to change about myself as a kid if I could go back. Today when we were at the church and the other kids were running around playing and jumping and laughing, Ethan stood by quietly watching. I don't want him to be a watcher. We make it a point to do everything we can to build up his confidence, telling him "Good job!" and "You did it!" and showing him lots and lots of love. I was always a watcher. I had negative confidence as a kid. I want Ethan to always know that he can do anything he puts his mind to, that he's good enough and smart enough and capable. I was always good enough and smart enough and capable, too, I just didn't realize it in time. He eventually joined in with the other kids and had a good time, but for a moment I saw myself in him and it scared me half to death. I think it's safe to say that I'd like for Ethan to be the total opposite of myself as a kid. I don't want him to spend his twenties wondering why he didn't do this or that, why he never fully lived, why he spent all his time watching.

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We saw a few kids and parents from E's daycare at the Santa gig. I am such a social dork it's pathetic. I guess I always assumed that the parent's of kids in the same class would be automatic friends, but that isn't the case. When I took Ethan over to say hi to one of his pals from school, the mom hardly even looked at me. She was too busy scolding her other fifteen precious darlings to STOP [running, screaming, fighting, kicking] RIGHT NOW, I guess. And she probably noticed me counting her kids and eyeing her ringless wedding finger. Maybe she was just jealous because Ethan is clearly the cutest toddler in the whole wide world, and therefore her kid is not the cutest toddler in the whole wide world. That would upset me, too. Anyway, I get the yucky taste of High School in my mouth when I try to make small talk with these parents. I hope Ethan doesn't inherit my inability to socialize or my great ability to jam my entire foot and half my leg into my mouth.

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Yesterday I made a quick run to the mall before picking Ethan up at daycare. I had exactly 45 minutes to shop. I found the cutest little dress for tonight's company Christmas dinner in about five minutes flat, and even better was that it fit perfectly when I tried it on, and even better-better-BEST was that it rang up as only $15 at the register (I love JC Penny's!). Gotta love those pre-Christmas sales. Per my request, D's Christmas gift to me is sending me off to the mall with a pocket full of cash while he watches the tot. Heaven! I'm very excited. The fact that I like JC Penny's so damn much makes me feel so old and lame. I guess it could be worse. I could love Sears.