I managed to sneak a peek at the last half of American Idol last night, and holy hell did I bawl my eyes out. The sight of a mother desperate to get her dying baby the potential (but not easily accessible) life-saving treatment necessary for his survival and then learning moments later that they didn't make it in time and that the baby died BLEW MY MIND. I tried to think about how that would feel, but I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I can't even imagine it. I remember they said that in places like Africa, a child dies of malaria EVERY 30 SECONDS. How can this be? THAT IS INSANE! It makes my heart and head and tummy ache with grief to know that every 30 seconds a parent is mourning the death of their child because of a mosquito bite. I feel guilty for ignoring it and not wanting to think about it anymore, as I leave work in a half hour and casually stroll to my car, head down the road to the gym, change into my soft, clean cotton workout clothes, get 30 minutes of intervals in on the elliptical machine, and then head home to be with my happy and healthy and LUCKY AS HELL family for a quiet evening in our dimly lit living room, something cooking in the oven, D smelling of a hard days work and Marlboro Lights, Ethan smelling of his Huggies baby bodywash, with sticky fingers from his bedtime snack, our dog cuddled up under the edge of the coffee table... a typical weeknight at home.

I feel like an asshole for ranting on and on and ON about how I locked my keys in my car, oh what a fucking CRISIS! I feel like an even bigger asshole for making such a big deal about food and weight and binging and dieting when, DUDE, I should really be thanking my lucky stars that food and water are so readily available to me. I'm an asshole for taking lots of things for granted. Actually, we're all assholes. It's true. What can we do?